Sometimes your familiar foods don’t, well, feel fresh. Add Seven-Up! You know, the one with that famous flavor. The one no one can really define, other than to say “it’s the stuff you either drink when you have the pukes, or because you’re at a party at some kid’s house and he has weird parents who don’t have normal stuff.

It’s so Pure! We all remember Upton Sinclair’s muckraking expose of the horrible conditions of the bottling industry, and how the government mandated strict standards to ensure that the amount of desiccated beetle shell or pigeon bile was kept to less than 1 part per trillion. “Wholesome” seems an odd word, since it has moral connotations – but so does “pure” and “good,” come to think of it. IS this soda pop or the fluid that weeps from a statue of a saint? They make it sound like something Doris Day would use as a douche.