Matching bile-colored cozies for the TV and the table. If you’re middle-aged right now, you’re probably having some sort of shivering, catatonic reaction, as you recall finding these things BY THE MILLIONS in your grandmother or mother’s drawer. You know, the drawer where she kept all the towels and doilies she never used, but kept in case you were visited by 1,500 members of royalty, all of whom were afflicted with congenital drooling and needed something nice to sop up the spittle, and something nice to put their monocles on.

Next: the code.