As I may have noted, I am carrying very little forward to the HNP / FoS (Hip New Place / Fortress of Solitude, if you’ve forgotten, and I can hardly blame you.) This is very exciting, he says with a tight smile, as it allows me to make everything just so. A clean modern aesthetic that leaves the Arts & Crafts life behind completely. (Note: I will miss it. The solidity and history of the aesthetic was one of those things I loved about building out the interior of Jasperwood, but AH WELL) I sometimes spend idle time looking at things for the kitchen, and here my troubles begin anew.

Yes, it’s time for another roundup of the Absolute Junk of Amazon: the intersection between design, marketing, and quality. It has fallen to the Chinese to design kitchen appliances that have some whimsy and style, and it has fallen to a small percentage of unlucky purchasers to warn us how bad the products actually are. Never trust the 5 star reviews. When you note that 9% of the reviews are one-star, that’s where you go.

Let’s take the brand description for another TOTALLY LEGIT AND VENERABLE BRAND:

SUSTEAS has been dedicated to providing an all-in-one solution for improving the family living standard since 2014. We strive to provide products that make family life easy and simple, so high-end, innovative,and stylish kitchenware and home deco products have come into being, bringing more joy and love to your family.

Got it. Unfortunately, your family is either overcome by plastic fumes or lost in a fire when the thing explodes and sheds sparks on the towel by the sink.

Here’s a kitchen attribute you hadn’t considered before: SECURE

I was considering the kettle, but man:

Temperature gauge fills with water. Spout leaks from weak weld. Thin metal. Cute but stupid.

The “chrome” is silver plastic.

Except for the spout, which I gather is glued on.

The plastic lid of the kettle is bubbling up and peeling off ( the lid is made of painted plastic). However, the absolutely most frustrating thing with this kettle is trying to get the lid off! The button on the lid stays down and won't pop up to enable you to fill the kettle, I can occassionaly pry it off with a great amount of effort

If you can’t get the lid off, just try again and it will detach on its own and melt the flesh from your bones:

The lid design is totally unstable and did not seal shut properly, so when pouring the pressure of the boiling hot water just pushes it off and water went everyewhere. The first time it happened I assumed I made a mistake and didn't close it properly, but the second time I nearly burned my entire hand I felt I had to say something.

Perhaps along the lines of Ouch. People posted videos of the thing smoking. It’s $55.

just after a year of use as directed, it spontaneously burst into flames on our counter. I feel incredibly fortunate that we were standing near the room when it happened so we were able to see the warm glow of the fire before it spread to the wall.

But here’s the thing: it looks cool! Many of these items have good design, winsomely Jetsonesque. That’s what hooks people. The alternatives, pumped out for years by all the established brand names, have been boring for a long time. Same shapes. Few colors. Along comes these things that look like William Joyce consulted on their creation, and they pop right out. The big brands ceded the entire market to China.

This seemed ominous.

Well, that’s electronic stuff. The cookware ought to do the trick.

Lots of complaints of discoloration. Inside bubbles off. Lids stick.

Gee, I don’t know why anyone would distrust these guys:

Complaint for a similar brand: “My entire family has tried using these pots and pans and we simply cannot cope with them. Additionally, I received an email from the manufacturer stating that the products are “bird safe.”

Other completely legit brands:

"AI, give me a heart-warming backstory."

Worrisome side-note: I went to Williams Sonoma, where you’d think the merch would be better, and there are scores of 1-star reviews that say the same thing about non-stick cookware having an issue with sticking. It’s as if nothing works. Everything disappoint, unless you pay a vast sum.

I took everything off my wishlist and went with established brands that lack panache, but won’t lead to me and 250 other people standing outside on a cold night watching the firemen shoot water into the inferno we once called home.

When it comes to furniture, I expect the same problems will present themselves. Something that looks stylist and reasonable will have pillows that feel like slabs of slate. The legs will feel cheap when you put them together, and you think it is too late in life to have cheap legs.

I am also encouraged by the suggestions to get LED lights that show a variety of colors. There is one color that I want, and that is “light,” I.e., white. No to purple, even if I’m having the guys over to watch the Vikes. (Which may happen once, as a gesture of brotherly pity. No to red or green, even if it’s The Season. We have a programmable LED strip in the kitchen, illuminating the upper portion of the cupboards, a nice white glow behind frosted glass that could, if you wish, present colors of The Season. I love that feature, but AH WELL

It’s . . . strange. Unreal. Theoretical. I can’t tell you how many apartment buildings I’ve looked at online, and how I have everything staked on The Fred, and how unlikely that seems. Whenever I see the HNP, it’s one of two desired units at the Fred. Anything else is a jail cell.

In keeping with our Monday tradition, which became a "tradition" for reasons I can't recall and probably don't matter, we continue with our Monday trademark. For this year we'll do 1936.

		An inauspicious beginning, but humble and true.

I assume it treats the scuffs, not causes them.

That will do. Short for this usual Monday, but don't worry; all the regular features will return soon. I've just been busy. Very busy, as tomorrow will relate. Matchbooks, of course. Substack up around 11. Thank you for joining me for another year, and here we go.