NOTE: I could have redone this one for the 2014 site overhaul, but there's just too much to resize and rearrange and sometimes we just have to live with the fact that the font's different, too. Forgive me. So:

Hey hey hey, it's Diiiiabeetese.

   

The wise and serene face of Albert imparts a certain truth: Kids will run en masse to your garage when you have silent films of morbidly obese licensed characters! Yes, slender, properly-nourished Caucasian children will enjoy great mirth observing the motion of adipose fat on an “ethnic” peer whose young heart has the same hopes and dreams, but is taxed beyond measure by the simple act of standing erect.

You provide the garage, and we’ll provide the fun! You will also provide the soundtrack. The tell-tale dialogue-balloon point goes to the little girl. “Hey-hey-hey, it’s Fat Albert” is in a yellow hard-edged balloon, which would indicate it’s coming from the soundtrack, but that probably wouldn’t hold up in court.

     

   

Laugh as the ungainly, unhealthy child struggles to keep balance and dignity in a world of injustice and gravity! But don’t worry – centuries of oppression and pratfalls can be redressed simply by turning the crank backwards. Once the gang has had their fill of this brief, soundless, grainy reproduction, keep ‘em around with promises of more swill from the Hanna-Barbera Crap Factory - torrents won’t be invented for like, 30 years or more, so it's not like you can download the next episode while the "gang" is watchng another. But you won't illegally download material anyway, not ever. Your demographic group, for the most part, will wait until it's released on DVD. Even then you won't buy it. Someone in your family will get you the complete set for Christmas, because you always did that "hey hey hey" sound, and your kids thought it was funny when they were five. Now they're older, and so are you, and if you all sit down to watch these shows they won't think it's funny at all. Even when you play it in reverse.