4 The stiff ruffle around shoulder is based on the cones dogs wear to keep them from chewing off their stitches. Works on girls as well, especially if they look like a scientific experiment that successfully fused Drew Barrymore with Suzi Quattro

5 Patented extendo-fabric keeps sinful elbows covered

6 Perky snot thinks she’s so special like she’s going to win student body president well won’t she be surprised. Washable.

7 No kidney stones yet; you’re young

2 Pattern is based on core sample of a geological shelf that had regular deposits of volcanic ash

9 Special Chick-Magnet shoulder pads help you keep your head tilted at a winsome angle

10 Based on an actual test pattern for Scottish TV

11 – 14 The last time you saw colors like this you stepped on a cricket and stuff squirted out

16 Doubles as a beer keg cozy

12 Good for smuggling shotguns and midgets into school