Oh, great: Monogram. The first name in Quality, if the last name is "Lacking" and the middle name "Is."


There are no words to describe the awfulness of this movie, but if you’ve seen it, you know that “Mystery Liner” may suffice for referring to other movies of a similar caliber. Moribund, talky, inert, edied by a narcoleptic, shot by an octogenarian apparently startled by anything approaching “action,” it’s the sort of movie that defines the 100 Mysteries experience.

The subject is a high tech radio tube, which has been developed by an Eminent Scientist. You can tell he’s eminent because he has a small white beard and speaks a lot about “my work.” The tube is capable of controlling ships from great distances - by radio! It’s untested, so it needs to be put through its paces on a large passenger ship filled with unsuspecting people. Alas, before the experiment can begin, someone attacks the Eminent Scientist, and kills someone else, and it might be the captain, who might be mad, and might have escaped the sanitarium and might be on board. Complicating matters is an old lady who suffers from Overwritten Part Syndrome, and seems to exist as a unique form of comic relief from which all comedy has been scientifically removed.

Here we see the incredible special effects you can get on a $457 budget: the ship.



The USS Cutout. Ah, but who is the villain? The dashing young officer, Puckerlips Q. Pensilstash?



Or the strange, mysterious man they call Count Pickelfahrt?




It doesn’t matter; you don’t care. Eventually the saboteurs gain control of the ship, and then they lose it, and there are sparks, and the movie ends. The only notable thing: the captain is played by the father of the fellow who played Rockford’s father on “The Rockford Files,” and the ship communicates with the shore by means of an ingenious device:




To see it in action, click the controls on the flash vid below. If you don’t see the controls, mouse over. If you do see the controls and don’t care, I don’t blame you. I’m just pleased we’re back with lousy movies, because otherwise this wouldn’t be any fun at all anymore.