So I did it. I inventoried every foodstuff in the house and put it on a list in my Notes app, and synced it with my wife in case she’s at Costco and wonders if we have 74 Chicken Frickin’ Pot Pies. YES. Yes we do.
It meant delving deep into the fridge to liberate some frosty slabs from the nether regions. There’s meat back there that might be from a mastodon. You know how it works: there’s a Great Deal on ground beef, or ground chuck, whatever the difference is. I assume the latter might be truth-in-labeling, and they have a sloppy guy named Charles back in the slicing department. Ground beef, ground beef, ground beef AAAAHHHHH OWW OH NO NOT AGAIN MY HAND Ground chuck, ground beef, ground beef
You buy extra, because it’s on sale, and put it in the freezer. For later! In case there’s a bovine rapture and all the cows ascend out of sight and no one has hamburger anymore. You do this a few times and you have containers whose Use or Freeze date is rather ancient.
You take it upstairs, find your wife on the couch, sit down, show her the container. Look at that. August 17, 20145. You remember where we were? On vacation? Daughter was still in middle school. She had that phase where she wore long scarves. Meat from 2014. Really takes you back, doesn’t it.
I can always tell what I bought and forgot, and what my wife bought and forgot. Me: a bag of Generico Cheese Ravioli. My assumption: there may be a crisis meal where I have to satisfy six people with rote carbs. Her: Springington Farms Organic Quinoa Vegetable Medley, in case I’m not home for dinner and she wants something from stock art in which women are smiling while eating a Medley.
"What is this?" I demand. "From all the words on the package I would expect it to have kale, but I don’t think kale was invented yet. Why is it a medley? That’s one song sung after the other. This is meant to be eaten all at once. It’s more like a fugue."
"Oh don’t throw that, I’ll have it for lunch."
It’s a fugue.
I found a box of frozen burritos I stopped eating because the wrapper said CONTAINS: MILK, NUTS, HORSE and I have an equine allergy. I found two loaves of Costco loaves of bread the size of the Graf Zeppelin.
All of these items were entered in the database. I realized I’d have to inventory the pantry in the basement closet, so I did that. Since the pantry has no meals, but staples, I had to create new categories for SAUCE and OILS and RICE (basmati, jasmine, Minute). There was soup, and that made me think the kitchen cupboard with soup had to be toted up as well. This I did.
At the end I had a complete accounting, which I shared via phone with my Wife, so she knew what we had, and did not buy lentils if she was planning a dish with lentils. You know, when you have a bag of lentils, you know it’s lentils, but if you see one single lentil on the counter, and you have no context, I don’t think you say “huh, a lentil.” Why is it lentil / lentils, but rice is singular and plural?
OH MY GOD I’M ANDY ROONEY THERE MUST BE WHITE HAIR COMING OUT OF MY EARS
Just because Clippings replaced the Serial feature doesn't mean you're getting off easy. Oh no, my friends. Not at all.
Okay. what kind of problem are we dealing with here
No sweat, boss. Give me a tough one next itme.
Cody’s given carte blanche to find who’s trying to invade Earth, and kill his butt space-cold dead. While flying around, he gets word that they’ve tracked the signal from outer space! They know where the quislings are located, and they're chatting with the alien right now!
He gets into a fight, and they throw him out the window - not a deal-breaker when the guy’s wearing a rocket pack.
They get away, but Cody learns where the home base for the invasion is located: Venus! Good thing his atomic-powered rocket can get there in a day.
One day. To Venus.
In order to keep Commandy Coda from going to Venus, the bad guys go to the ship and add a secret whatzit that will disable the ship once it’s in space.
As opposed to, you know, destroying the unguarded craft right then and there.
They get up into space, and of course the ship malfunctions, so it’s space-walk time. This would be a perfect opportunity for the Ruler to use his superior spacefaring abilities to destroy them! They’re a sitting duck! Nothing of the sort happens.
They get to Venus, and Guard #4 decides this would be a good time to take a leak:
The Ruler invites Cody in, tells him his plans, and shows him his weapons. He’s basically a Bond villain.
But see, he can’t get past Cody’s radiation barrier, and needs information.
I love the fact that Cody just decks the Ruler of the Galaxy, right there. Take that, old man. Well, he defeats EVERYONE and runs away with the big bad weapon. The Ruler sends out the Serial Mobile, and Cody MELTS THE RULER’S MOUNTAIN BASE.
It’s a neat effect.
Cody leaves the super weapon behind, pointed at the mountain, flies back to the ship, and they leave Venus.
And now, the CLIFFHANGER!
There isn’t one. We’re 0 for 3.
That will do; see you around.