Roto-rooter came. The roots defeated the roto. They’re suggesting a busted pipe outside, which is entirely possible, given the age of the house. Big fargin’ boatload of money sailing over the horizon, right there. Criminey. Well, good thing we had a frugal Christmas. Not that we ever went totally overboard; as much as I would love to shower my child with HEAPS OF THINGS it’s not a good idea to give them HEAPS OF THINGS just for the fun of unwrapping enormous plastic objects containing smaller plastic objects. Oh, the smile on their faces is wonderful, but you can get a smile on a kid’s face if you give them ice cream for dessert, too. She’ll be happy this Christmas because I got her the one thing she really, really wanted to buy with her own money at the Japanese toy store, and I pooh-poohed because a) it would take all her money and crowd out the other purchases she wanted to make, and b) I knew I’d get it for her for Christmas. She does not suspect. Trust me.
I just made her some popcorn, and the smile she gave me – thanks Dad! – was equal to the shine she’d display on gift #7 as she plowed through a stack on Christmas morn.
Uh oh: from the living room.
“Dad, did you set it on Popcorn?”
“No, why?”
“It’s a little burned.”
The other day she put a small single-serving bag in the microwave, pressed the popcorn button. Reasonable assumption if you’re ten. Damn near set off every smoke detector in the house. Now she’s an expert on not using the popcorn setting. As it happened, I used a small ear of corn we bought at the Corn Palace in South Dakota last year – put it in a bag, tape it shut “with clear tape” – really? It has to be transparent? – and microwave it until rapid popping ceases. Which I did: I make a small bag nightly, and have an expert’s ear for the moment when popping has crossed over from “rapid” to “entering the desultory phase.” But it’s still a bit burned. Ah well; didn’t spoil the moment. If only she was watching Christmas shows! She lives in a world where animation is plentiful, and all the classics are a bit old hat. In my day, as I’ve noted, there was only Rudolph and Charlie Brown – and later that Frosty thing, no thanks – and the Christmas shows were rare and wonderful. On Christmas Eve we’ll watch “Twice Upon A Christmas,” but I can already tell she’s doing it for my benefit as much as hers. Same with the Santa Coke puzzle.
Who cares? Dammit, child, I’m going to give you Christmas memories and traditions, and that’s that. It would be easier if I could go all Spock on her, do an instant mind-meld as in Star Trek II: REMEMBER. But that didn’t work out so well for McCoy.
As I warned: pre-holiday week, slight Bleats, big links.
Grandma’s camera was a Brownie 2a. So? you say. Well: many years ago – after 9/11, if I remember – I put up a site of some pictures my grandmother took as a young woman. Since I’m overhauling the “biography” site, this meant rescanning and resizing and all that hoohah. What once was a tiny site with tiny pictures now does justice to the originals, I think – and it includes a little video about the camera. I considered turning the pictures from sepia to greyscale, but they lose as much as they gain.
It’s here. You will note, if you click on to the main index page, that it’s rejiggered as well, and leads to two overhauled sites about your host. They’re in progress, I suppose, but one of them has a very large version of the picture with me and Lara Croft, and the entire sequence of me threatening to punch Mr. T at a convention.
Joe Ohio is returning in 2011, as I’ve said; it will be a pay site, but don’t worry. Cheap. Details tomorrow. In the meantime, if you’d like to see the spifficacious new interface for the Joe Ohio project (After this year’s batch of 50 episodes, there will be 50 more – it’s 1955, 1957, 1959), it’s here.
And now, music! Today it’s Kitschmas.
“It’s Christmas Time All Over the World.” Sammy Davis Jr. Another Goodyear classic: Sammy Davis in a bouncy number whose rat-pack vibe is undercut by the kids. He had quite a voice, but everything just sounds so oily and sincerely insincere. This was the last song on the album.
“Sleigh Ride,” the Voices of Walter Schumann. The heyday of the pop-choral music. Most people in the 50s knew him from this sort of stuff, but he was also the composer of one of the most famous themes ever: Dragnet. Think of that when you listen to this.
“Rockin’ Disco Santa.” Song-poem music. If you don’t know the genre: ads in magazines asked people to send in their lyrics for hit songs. The companies would send back a letter saying hey, great lyrics! Give us a few hundred bucks and we’ll cut a record. They’d get together some hack musicians and turn out songs all day long, then mail the albums to the suckers. The combination of lyrical ineptitude and bored C-list musicians produced some awesome horrors. Like this one.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” Mitch Miller. From Mr. Cheerful Goatface himself, and a perfect example of a genre of music that always unnerved me: a lot of buzz-cut guys in black suits standing up and shouting out songs at the top of their lungs without a single jot of inflection. Mitch was born in 1911. He died last July.
“The Night Before Christmas.” Because you need to hear this in rap form, done by Art Carney.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” in quasi-mambo form, brought to you by Ed Sullivan! Hey, if Gleason could do it, so could Ed. Most of Ed’s orchestra’s stuff was banal, straight Muzak, and had none of the saturated melancholy of the best Gleason orchestra work. Yes, I said that with a straight face.
“All I Want for Chanukah is Marilyn Monroe,” Lou Menchell. Speaks for itself. Through its nose.
“Rocket Ship Santa.” The Bellrays. Rockin! This is current stuff; the band still exists. Fuzz it up and put it mono, and you could have put this out 40 years ago.
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Enjoy the links; see you tomorrow – with more!
Pass it along, if you wish
42 Responses to Rockin’ Disco Santa
Host with the Most
You are doing right by Natalie by not spoiling her. She really does have everything: involved, loving parents, a wonderful pet, plenty of extracurricular activities, and the opportunity to travel.
I wonder if Natalie is a Bleat reader. If she is, you just spoiled her Christmas surprise…
Merry Christmas, Mr. Lileks and all of Bleat Nation!
I’ve always liked the live-from-Vegas vibe of “Christmastime All Over the World.” The muted trumpets doing the little Chinese motif every time he mentions Hong Kong, that’s just the cherry on top of the whipped cream.
Animated Christmas TV shows- one of the first, and one of the best “Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol”
Many people find it the best retelling of Dickens and the music is quite good. I have read that the song “People” was originally composed for it, but it was shelved and brought back for the Broadway show Funny Girl sung by a pre-diva Streisand
Awesome. Mitch Miller arranged & sang songs as if he believed harmony was a Commie Plot.
Diggin’ the kitsch, Genial Host! ‘Tis the season.
Nice update of the Bio site. Many things we’ve seen before, but nicely refreshed.
As to Grandma’s camera – say those are bigger. Why are old photos always so haunting?
Good job on keeping Christmas in moderation. My sister in law spoils her kids with lots of crap. Now they are complete brats. If I have a christmas wish is they grow out of that!!
I go old school with popcorn. Oil in pan, pour popcorn seeds. Heat and shake over burner. Enjoy. A lot more control and lot less burning. Also control over post popping flavorings!!
_@_v – sullen girl on a thresher… meet smiling girl on the beach…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/joeyharrison/1462871635/in/set-1071542/
James, loved the Grandma’a photos site. That lead me to your bio site(where I’d never gone) and then to the story of your mother’s final days. I was not prepared for that. Sorry if this brings down the thread, but the story was beautiful and harsh, all at the same time. It brought back thoughts of waiting by my father’s bedside in 1991 as he lay waiting for the release. Like your Mom, he raged and fought against the cancer for as long as he could. Then, when he realized that he could not win, he finally let go. Thanks for the gift of your prose and for what it helped me remember today. Merry Christmas and a Happy 2011.
I bought a Jackie Gleason Christmas MP3 as per your recommendation, James, and I must agree with you on Gleason v Sullivan. When I first heard Gleason’s “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” I wished I hadn’t known the lyrics. It’s beautiful and lush (that is the only word that really works). The Sullivan rendition has a section that’s almost frightening.
Also loved the Art Carney ditty from yesterday’s mix. I laughed till I cried.
How about some Christmas music by The Ventures?
LOVED, the old camera and pictures. I’m amazed that the bellows, on the camera, was still in good shape. Interesting, that those simple cameras, could take some very detailed photos.
Thanks again James, for sharing your life with us.
Speaking of Art Carney, it’s time to get the family together around the old PC, pop up some popcorn, and watch the “Star Wars Holiday Special”. Happy Life Day, everybody!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=323909610753051544#
It’s also time to listen to Jack Benny’s Christmas programs. If you don’t already have them in your collection, you can listen or download them here:
http://www.freeotrshows.com/otr/j/Jack_Benny_Program.html
From The Atlantic, something that is sure to get our host’s dander up, “How ‘Jingle Bells’ by the Singing Dogs Changed Music Forever”
http://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2010/12/how-jingle-bells-by-the-singing-dogs-changed-music-forever/68273/
Once, at a friends house for a party, someone put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and entered an extra “0″. Amazing how much smoke that generates.
Discovered that touching work back when it first showed up in the early iteration of lileks.com. Revisited it in 2004 when my Father was diagnosed with cancer. Re-read it several times during the very difficult year that followed. Each time it said the same thing to me, and then something new. It still does. Read it again at the end of a very long day when we lost him in 2005. Re-read it in the morning before I, as his namesake, delivered his eulogy. It has become sort of my Rosetta Stone for dealing with loss. It’s all there: Sorrow, lament, rage, regret, hope, joy, redemption, faith, love.
Just another example that the community that James has created here, is such a treasure.
She does not suspect. Trust me.
She reads. Trust me.
Our daughter was born on December 13. As you might imagine this lead to an overload of presents that resulted in some unacceptable expectations and behaviors for a few years once she became ambulatory and could talk. Some stern words got her past that by the age of 8 after two years in a row of having to resort to them to my great regret.
As I’ve already said, she turned 21 last week. Dearly Beloved and I had noticed some changes and greater forebearance and maturity in her since we parted company in September when I drove her back to OSU. I don’t know if this was the result of her RA job, and a dose of reality beyond her indoctrination by her professors or just part of a normal maturation process when they know better who they are and don’t feel to compelled to jam it in your face.
In any event, she went out with her best friend (still!) since 5th grade this week and called us when we got home from work to let us know where she was. At 21 she has no obligation to do this but put in a pre-emptive strike against any possible worries on our part. The real pay-off came when she told Dearly Beloved she had used some of her birthday money for a Christmas gift for me. Dearly Beloved said that she would reimburse her for that because birthday money was for her to spend on herself. I’m tearing up again as I type this because after several years of wondering just how badly we might have failed, she has shown herself to have come shining through. God love her, I know I sure do.
@Mark – December 13th is the best possible day to have a daughter. Mine was on a Friday, even.
And I am wondering about Joe: will all 50 chapters be available at once, or will you be stringing them out? Because I seriously need to block out the time for when I am going to be able to read all of them. I know once I start I won’t be able to stop (the ’55 batch kept me up looooong into the night).
I decided to go back to basics and made stove top popcorn in an iron skillet and was instantly transported back to the 1960s with my cousins all together being babysat by one mother or the other on a Friday night.
Yes, Natalie may read the Bleat, however, James may be feeding her false information.
Now if Natalie is reading this comment. . .
False Flag Op.
@Mark E. Hurling
Well done, Dad – I certainly hope we can come as close with both of ours, as you have done with yours.
@Mark Hurling: I hold onto that hope as well. My three are still below the teen line, yet my 12 y.o. gives every indication of giving us a difficult teen phase. It’s all good, and having my definition of love tested can be interesting.
@MikeH: I’m starting to phase my family out of the microwave popcorn habit. Stove top is messier and obviously not as quick, but I do not trust the “cooking medium” used with the popcorn kernels, particularly the low cal stuff. It has something to do with my margarine mistrust. I wonder how a synthetic oil/fat that is solid at room temperature lingers in my arteries(!).
http://www.lileks.com/about/camera/3.html
What is the flexible vacuum hose-looking appendage coming out of the sidewalk box at frame left (Gramma’s right)? Some oddball frigid Midwestern-specific infrastructure element?
Grampa looks like a sharp-dressed man who brooks no bunkum!
@RLR, as James said, it appears to be a gas pump. here is a similar image from a MN town in the 1920s:
http://www.infomercantile.com/images/5/50/Daniels_independent_gasoline_pump%2C_revere_mn.jpg
@bgbear: Yeah, I read our hosts’ speculation, but if it were really a gas pump I’d think you’d be able to see the inspection tank assembly given the frame perspective.
grannie seems to be covering much of the image. see also this one:
http://www.shorpy.com/node/3515?size=_original
Art Carney was in today’s kitsch, not yesterday’s. I listened to both “albums” back-to-back today. (Here’s where I should throw in a Norton quote but all that comes to mind is, “Hellooooo, Ball.”) It would be worth listening to tomorrow, too. It’s from 1954. He had good breath control.
That little “oriental” riff in “Christmas time all over the world” is something my daughter and I have loved for years. We listen for it and laugh together.
“Christmas with the Rat Pack” is a terrific Christmas album, except when Sinatra does a “serious” carol.
I was also wondering about James’ disclosure of (G)Nat’s Christmas gift. I would imagine that she checks the Bleat every day.
In fact, maybe she logs in as one of us!
OK, Joe Sixpack–the jig is up!
Today’s selection hurt my ears. However, at least it didn’t include this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e61uC-5s9VU
Don’t try to fight with me on annoying tunes, James. I’m older and nastier than you.
Bob
I prefer Mitch Miller to many of the present day vocalists who seem to wander all over the scale in the name of “style” or “interpretation”.
And to Mark E Hurling, the past tense of the verb “lead” is “led”. Or perhaps you meant “leads”. I know I’m being picky but I really love the English language. And no, I’m not an English major.
Just make sure you replace your existing pipe with the new trenchless technology. I had to have it done last spring. Not outrageously expensive, and you’ll never have sewer line problems again.
I will remember mr. mitch miller with great fondness, I used to listen to him as a child for one our holiday tradtions. So sad to hear he passed away this year…
Lohwoman, here’s my favorite Norton line:
“As we say down in the sewer, time and tide wait for no man.”
Classic Christmas Music, and a tidbit (albeit, probably well known to this crowd).
Most everyone is familiar with the movie “A Christmas Story”; with Ralphie and his Red Rider BB-gun. At the point where Ralphie and his brother are waiting in line to see Santa they encounter Jean Shepherd doing a cameo. He is the guy who tells them “…the line starts back there”. Jean is not only the narrator, but the author of the short stories that generated the film (and one of its writers).
Anyway, at that time the music in the back ground is “Jingle Bells” by Fred Waring and his Pennsylvanians. It is from a wonderful album called “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” on Decca Records. It is out of print, but can still be obtained online from vintage record dealers (I have my copy!).
@ Bob. Fair enough. Mitch Miller and Christina Aguilera might indeed have been put here to atone for each others’ musical sins.
As the extreme opposite of xmas “kitsch”, may I present THIS. If this is your cup of tea, look at YouTube’s “suggestions.” There’s lots more in this vein.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l0qa2UWoM0&feature=related
@lohwoman
Here’s where I should throw in a Norton quote but all that comes to mind is, “Hellooooo, Ball.”)
You rang? I was out having lunch with The Chef Of The Future.
Ask Frank Sinatra about Mitch Miller
James,
Take courage, that boatload of money may be smaller if MN’s plumbing codes are like MI’s: look for a drain service that can send a camera down the pipe and water-jet the innards. If they do discover a break, they may be able to run a sleeve inside the pipe and significantly reduce the excavation work.
_@_v – fave ed norton quote – “when the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat. don’t waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float.”
_@_v – and in other news… i just got me a frickin’ shark with a frickin’ ”laser beam” attached to its frickin’ head!!!!!!!
http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs1364.snc4/163680_1492219314511_1504867971_31122858_2433053_n.jpg
Thanks for the Ed Sullivan song – one of my favorites; i like how they tossed in the horn riff from Ray Charles’s version of “One Mint Julep” (who needs eggnog?).
Speaking of Art Carney and Christmas, there’s an episode from the first season of “The Twilight Zone” in which Carney plays an alcoholic department store Santa Claus who loses his gig and then becomes both the source and beneficiary of some supernatural Christmas cheer. Sort of a sympathetic look at the guy who Maureen O’Hara had to fire at the beginning “Miracle on 34th St.”, I guess. It’s a good show.