Piano recital Tuesday night, which meant a trip to Perkins before. Why? Because it is The Way of Things. Some pancakes before the performance, for that extra-special edge a mass of carbs gives a kid. I was pleased to see the Patty Melt had rejoined the ranks of the Melts; it is the Ur-Melt, after all, the only Melt that really matters. I’m not even sure what a Melt is, except that cheese in a semi-solid state seems to be involved – and if that’s the case, then please explain the hamburger I did get. It had melted Pepper Jack, on meat, and had a bun, and was as melty as they come. It was also drizzled with some sort of sauce, which may have moved it out of Melt territory. Ahh, they’re just making it all up as they go.
There’s always a new item that seems particularly appalling, and today it was a Zesty Shrimp Po’ Boy drenched in buffalo wing sauce (translation – We laid on the Tony’s Red Hot with a heavy hand, sending a stern message to all other flavors: STAND DOWN.) It came with fries, of course; coffee comes with fries if you ask. Fries come with fries. Would you like fries with those fries? Naw, I’m eating healthy. Make it a salad with a pound of crumbled bacon and some of that orange Island dressing. (Dressing, of course, is distinct from Sauce.) It also came with a layer of deep-fried onions on top of the shrimp, but since they were inside the sandwich they did not displace the fries. So you could double up on fries and tell yourself the onions were vegetables.
This I did not have. Eschewed the fries, too, since WiiFit tells me I am no longer overweight, but have lost enough weight to be normal again. (Seriously: half an hour sweating on that thing all day has produced results, along with slightly less eating.) I had the salad, but couldn’t resist the new dressing: hot bacon! On the side, please.
And so it came to pass that she handed me a cup of something that looked exactly like saliva. And it was a warm cup, too. I tasted it. Miserable. Sent it back. But nothing could save the salad – iceberg spines, brackish cheddar, gum-shredding croutons, and tasteless tomatoes. If I was a salad at Perkins I’d bring my A-game, because you’re up against fries and pancakes, but they must have the attitude of a hamburger in a Chinese restaurant. What’s the point? Who’ll notice? Who’ll care?
But I’m getting ahead of the story! Before the meal came we amused ourselves with the games on the kid’s menu. One had mixed-up overlapping line-drawings of sharks, and you had to count the number of sharks. Shark jumble! The answer was ten, but there was also a fully-realized picture of a shark in the tank. So technically, the answer was eleven. Daughter was vaguely amused. I said I would point this out to the waitress. Daughter was slightly alarmed. “I’ll get a free meal out of this,” I said. Daughter was now seriously alarmed. Dad don’t.
Well, that’s all the inducement I need. “Waitress?” She came over. I pointed out that the answer said ten sharks, but if you include this one, the answer was eleven.
“It could be a dolphin,” she said.
“I hadn’t thought of that.”
She left. Daughter: “Dad why did you DO that?”
“Waitresses love funny customers! It brightens up their day. The ones that tell jokes, make puns, think they’re the life of the party – waitresses can’t wait for those.”
I got a skeptical expression.
“No, really, they fight over ‘em, even thought they usually are bad tippers because they think they’ve tipped enough just by being so entertaining.”
She wasn’t buying it. I told her no, that wasn’t true, but the waitress seemed the type who’d enjoy a little banter, and since her section wasn’t full at all there wasn’t any harm.
Actually, waiters don’t like ha-ha funny customers, the ones with routines, accents, stock phrases, and three other people who find them hilarious. (Or not.) These are performers. Waiters don’t like people whose humor has an aggressive undertone – I’ll have the horsemeat. Don’t tell me you don’t serve it, I’ve eaten here before. Banter is fine. Banter is a social lubricant. But it’s my experience lately that half of the waiters do not listen to most of what you say, and my strongest evidence is my stock request for Coffee, Black, as if I’m tugging down the front of my uniform and commanding the Enterprise replicator. Half the time it’s met with “Cream or sugar?” To which you want to say well, I think I’ll just have my black coffee black, thanks. Then the coffee arrives, and the waiter sets down cream and sugar. When I ask them to take it away, there’s confusion – no cream? No sugar? Seriously? The last time we went out the waitress seemed peeved I didn’t want the cream, as if I’d just sprung this on her at the last moment. You could have told me. ,mmmm
Before anyone tears into me for not understanding what waiters and waitresses go through, I waited tables for seven years, from a Pizza Hut to a college 24-hour joint, from breakfast rush to bar rush, and I was pretty good at it. I loved it, really. There’s no feeling like firing up a new pot on the Bunn-O-Matic, starting a new kettle of popcorn, looking over your section and seeing everyone’s content. Ahhh. Friday night. It’s a party, and you’re paid to attend.
Off to the recital. Gnat played her piece absolutely perfectly, then we did a duet; I screwed up a few notes. She shot me a look: oh thanks. Several classes were combined, so we got to hear pieces we’d played in years past. Memories! Misty water-colored memories! Of the arguments we had over these pieces! I know why people have more kids – besides the obvious joy of More Kids, there’s a certain pleasure in repeating the milestones, the phases. One kid moves out of Playhouse Disney and two-finger piano playing, another slides right in. You can spent ten years in the same emotional bathwater, and the temperature’s just right. Two years to six years is a wonderful time, and it’s the great bittersweet sadness of parenthood that it passes unremembered by the very people with whom you share it. “Flowers for Algernon” in reverse: they get smarter, and forget.
Gnat probably won’t have my fascination with the culture of her earliest childhood, because it’ll still be around. Everything is persistent, hence everything’s unmoored from its era. What’s more: kids today don’t have the same relationship to advertising. They’re more skeptical, perhaps; good. They fast-forward past it; fine. They have no need to sit through ads aimed at adults, so they don’t get the second-hand smoke of commercial culture. As a kid I couldn’t care less about cigarette ads or dishsoap spots, but now a smeary YouTube video of Marge dunking a lady’s digits in Palmolive is like Proust’s madelaine. (It was a source of great mystery: why did ladies go to a place to soak their fingers? Is that what Mom did when she went to the Beauty Parlor? Later I would wonder whether customers thought Madge stark-mad for pushing their fingers into a cup of soap under the delusion that its mildness would somehow do . . . something, but that was Lady Stuff, and a young man would no more enter into that world to plumb its mysteries than he’d enter the temple of Kali with a red X over his heart.)
No, it’s all omnipresent now. Or is it? One of her greatest delights last month was learning Invader Zim was coming out on DVD. YouTube clips wasn’t the same. DVD somehow sanctified it. She’s waiting for the disks as much as I waited for my Spider-Man plastic pillow (6 – 8 weeks, shipping and handling extra). In the meantime, there’s summer ahead, and friends who call and say “come over” and off she goes, bouncing down the street. The main difference, perhaps:
She always has a video camera in her hand.
When she goes to bed I archive the footage and store it away. Someday I hope it means something. The evolution, to coin a phrase, has been televised.
Later: Out of Context Ad Challenge at 10:30, and Black and White World at 2:30 – a rather surprising remake. See you at tumblr and Popcrush!
Pass it along, if you wish
43 Responses to The Recital
Host with the Most
“and if that’s the case, then please explain the hamburger I did get. It had melted Pepper Jack, on meat, and had a bun, and was as melty as they come”
A paddy melt properly comes on rye bread, not a bun.
Bob
Um, if you know “Flowers for Algernon” (either the novel or the earlier, superior novella version), you know that its last section IS “ ‘Flowers for Algernon’ in reverse.” Just sayin’.
Sorry, it’s late (east coast) but I realize now that by “in reverse: they get smarter, and forget” you mean either the reverse of the first part of the story (Charlie becomes smarter, and remembers) or the reverse of the last part (he becomes dumber again, and forgets). Oh well.
As for cigarette ads (off the air since January 1971, I think): Even if you paid no attention to them, you presumably have some of their jingles floating around in your head, as I do. I watched prime time shows as a kid in the late ’60s, and without effort I can call up at least one jingle each for Winston, Salem, Tareyton, Lark, and a few others.
I’ve had Invader Zim on DVD for years. That 2001 release is collectible and super-expensive now, so it’s good that it’s being re-released. What a wacky show. “TV’s Frank” Coniff was one of the writers, and Kids in the Hall fans will recognize the voice of Kevin McDonald as one of “The Tallest”.
Doom doom doom…
Laxatives!
Just getting a head start.
Aww GardenStater, you beat me to it!
Eeewww. The Streisand reference.
Valium and a cold beer for Mr Lileks. He seems to need it.
Re Madge and Palmolive: I always wondered “Is it that the stuff is such a solvent that it’ll cut the old fingernail polish?”
We recently have been testing our memory over PlayHouse Disney shows, and the characters therein, from the 2002 – 2004 era. Remarkable what sticks in the mind of a toddler. I know that those memories will fade for her, and only remain for me. But the fact that we share them for now assuages my lament of of her ever-growing independence.
Never understood why “Madge” was the final arbiter of skin care and fashion. She was kind of frumpy.
When she professed “you’re soaking in it” I always assumed she meant the customer’s misery. But that would have been “you’re wallowing in it.”
I can imagine a time and a place where Madge and the “Don’t Squeeze The Charmin” Storekeeper would align forces. I believe that they would do battle with the current iteration of the Charmin Rear Wiping Bears. They’d call in close-air-support from the Imperial Margarine “It’s Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature” Lady.
And carnage would ensue. Glorious, Rear Wiping Bear carnage.
May it be ever so.
Arrgh, why are my posts not showing up?
“tugging down the front of my uniform”, “firing up a new pot on the Bunn-O-Matic”, “the second-hand smoke of commercial culture”, “The evolution, to coin a phrase, has been televised.”
Mr Lileks, you’re quite on a roll today. Nice work.
As the father of four I can say that people with more than one child have more because they want more. It’s not an effort to have a new toddler popping up like a replacement shark’s tooth when the old toddler is sent off to school. That’s just a perquisite.
Re: Madge and the Palmolive liquid:
Wouldn’t you think the ladies who came in for a manicure would have noticed?
“What the hell is that? Dish detergent?!? Hey, I can soak my hands in dish soap at home–that’s not what I’m paying you for!!!”
“The evolution … has been televised.”
Will it put a tiger in my tank, the giant in my toilet bowl and go better with Coke?
That reminds me of the old joke for children:
Q. What do monsters eat?
A. THINGS.
Q. What do monsters drink?
A. Coke.
Q. Why?
A. Because THINGS go better with Coke.
Madge… Anyone remember Mrs. Olsen for Folgers? Josephine the Plumber? Cora the Coffee Lady (I’ll get you, my pretty!)? John Cameron Swayze?
@ Patrick McClure – “As the father of four…It’s not an effort to have a new toddler popping up…” Yeah, you’re right, not much effort on your part. The mother of the four may have a difference of opinion.
Aw, James, you just made me think I have to get out my video camera more often. JerseyToddler is at a cute age now, I need to capture more of it for posterity. I’m sure Natalie (or are we back to Gnat now?) will be glad to have the videos someday. When I was just a few years older than her, my five closest friends and I had a red notebook that functioned as a sort of group journal for all of us. Though we don’t all get together as often as we once did, when we do it’s a hoot to read through all the inside jokes we had. I’m sure Natalie will have the same enjoyment of her videos.
John Cameron Swayze takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’.
that’s why you don’t see him any more. that kind of Stuff has to be on after 10 pm, or on cable.
NostrilDrippus Predicts ™ will divine the contents of this envelope… “a Tinkler and a Stinkler.”
Nat (the G was supposed to disappear, remember?) and Our Gracious Host on piano.
thanks, don’t forget to tip the cows, I’ll be here 20 to life.
When i worked at the Board Walk amusement park here in CA and ran the roller coaster, there was always Ha Ha customers that could really start to get on you’re nerves but, they were better than demanding or angry customers.
I started to make up counter responses to the “funny folks” e.g, there was always some joker trying to scare a first time coaster rider and would ask “how many people have died on this ride?” hee, hee. I would respond “What, you mean today?”
@bgbear: an even better response, assuming you were through with the job but hadn’t been thrown over the fence yet, would have been, “Let me have your name, and we’ll arrange for some history today.”
“..waiting for a Spiderman pillow” jogs a great memory of waiting for my Commodore monitor ordered from one of the ads in the back of Compute!magazine. I must have called every week for ten+ weeks. They grew very tired of me; or as Bart put it, “hey lady, where’s my spy camera?”
And for what it’s worth, people working in medical clnics do not really appreciate perpetual wisenheimers or married coples who think they need to do their old vaudeville routine everytime they come in. Just get on the damn scale, answer yes or no to most of the questions and the doctor will see you when doctor is done with the patient who has the appointment BEFORE you.
Geez, I could fill a blog site, if it weren’t for the HIPPA laws.
I have to know more about that impossibly large back seat in the impossibly large two door car that the redhead in the yellow suit is sitting in. An old car ad? What car? When?
@xrayguy: Most of your Jolly Jokers are not trying to be wisenheimers. Your clinic may be old hat to you, but it is an unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and sometimes scary environment for your subjects. If they engage in “nervous laughter,” it is just a common, natural mechanism for coping. Of course, your irritation is your own mechanism for coping with them. And so it goes.
There was also a height requirement sign at the entrance of the coaster so of course 1 out of 10 adult jokers said “am I tall enough?” ha, ha.
One day after staring at the sign for countless hours, I notice the sign maker (God rest his soul)had written “height limit” rather than “height requirement” or the friendly “you must be this tall”. Armed with the bad phrasing of the sign, every time someone joked “am I tall enough” I said “you are too tall” and pointed to the sign. One out of ten time they got the full meaning of the joke.
Having had the pleasure of witnessing Natalie’s performances last night, all I can say is “WOW”! She is taking command at the piano. Having seen her play in 12 recitals thus far, this was her best ever! It is a joy to see her progress to this point. I wonder if she loves playing? She sure seemed comfortably at home sitting there. She bore with her duet partner very well and the 2nd time through the piece, you two were making music together. Can’t wait to hear her play the cello! Bravo to Natalie and her sidekick.
What I remember about Madge was this line: “more than just mild!” Thanks, James, for your engaging work behind the pen (or keypad, as it were).
Haha, bgbear — I worked there too! in “Area 3″, Logger’s Revenge to the end. The thing I remember from ride after ride after ride after ride was climbing the stairs to take my turn on the “tower” (high point just before the final plunge) and hearing NEARLY EVERY JOKER raise both arms, look me in the eye and holler “…here we gooooooooooooooo…..!!!” as the car tipped down the incline.
It doesn’t sound so odd until you hear it 937 times in a row from 937 different jokers.
(I always wondered what the Loggers had to avenge, actually.)
“Coffee, Black, as if I’m tugging down the front of my uniform and commanding the Enterprise replicator.”
That would be Riker performing the Picard Maneuver. Picard would have ordered “Tea, Earl Grey, hot” as he tugged.
@wowona: small world, worked Loggers as well, supervised in area 3 a couple of years around time of the earthquake.
besides, “here we go”, I recall at loading “no seatbelts?!” being a common remark.
@bgbear, you whippersnapper. I worked there when the Autorama was under a blue cloud of exhaust 13 hours a day…. I bet someone’s going over the flume saying “…here we go……..”, even as we speak.
(My favorite constant-question was during stints on the Tilt-A-Whirl: “Hey lady! Hey lady! what’s the hose for???”) You’ll find out.
@wowona: bet we still knew some of same people (doug h & John b, god rest their souls). Worked there 11 seasons and wife has been with the company since high school and after college.
Sweet! I do know those names! Who can forget the dreaded Doug H. and stories of his infamy. Remembering his “scene” in “Harold and Maude”, of course: if you ever saw that movie back in the pre-video days you could count on at least half the movie theatre spontaneously groaning his name in unison. Everyone worked for him at one time or another — it’s how you earned your “local” stripes!
Sorry, everyone — seriously old times…
With the ‘Walk having over 100 years of history, they have to cut us veterans some slack.
Hey, bgbear, with all the talk on here this past week of the Charmin Rear Wiping Bears, I’m surprised you haven’t changed your gravatar to a picture of them yet.
@JerseyAmy: believe he said there was no way he was going down that road.
that’s how you find Irritable Bears, in or out of the woods.
now, a Pope in the woods… .
Toilet paper; why am I thinking of toilet paper now?
@swschrad: Ah, I guess I missed that comment. I was really expecting a Charmin Bear appearance by now.
@swschrad: right you are oh wise one of the Non sequitur.
However, I reserve the right to use Snuggle the fabric softener bear if I feel my security is in danger.
I, too, have had Invader Zim on DVD for years. That show deserved WAY more attention than it ever got. Sheer, absolute genius. The fact that your daughter enjoys it is very encouraging. Too many people today think The Family Guy is the be-all, end-all in comedic achievement. Ugh. That makes me sad and bitter.
Monty Python, MST3K/Rifftrax, Invader Zim, Frisky Dingo, Ren & Stimpy, Calvin & Hobbes, Stewart & Colbert… that’s comedy, my friend.
Black coffee:
It’s probably easier for them to just bring the whole service; that way, when the customer decides that they wanted cream and sugar after all, the server doesn’t have to come back.
The problem is that “black coffee” doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. Some people mean “no cream, no sugar”. Some people mean “no cream, with sugar”. Some people mean “with sugar, with a little bit of cream”.
Some people go all Meg Ryan with “black coffee with two sugars as long as they’re white sugars from the paper pouch but if you don’t have that then I’ll have it black unless you have Splenda in which case I’ll have Splenda but only on the side and I’ll have two tablespoons of cream but only if it’s dairy cream but if it’s nondairy cream then I’d like you to bring me three unless they’re warm in which case don’t bring any.”
More about Black Coffee: http://tomatonation.com/culture-and-criticism/coffee-talk/
@ juanito – John Davey,
“I can imagine a time and a place where Madge and the “Don’t Squeeze The Charmin” Storekeeper would align forces. I believe that they would do battle with the current iteration of the Charmin Rear Wiping Bears.”
Well, somebody ought to!
@wawona: i may have been unclear Doug H is still with us, it is John Buse who is acorporal.
[...] is, however, a limit to how much of this you can do: [W]aiters don’t like ha-ha funny customers, the ones with routines, accents, stock phrases, [...]