As I may have mentioned here, we had Sink Issues over the holidays. The sink was leaking a few weeks ago, and my wife, under the impression I am a plumber, asked me to fix it. I have no idea why she thinks I can fix plumbing things beyond the most rudimentary chores. Well, no, I know why: because I have fixed less vexing things before. I’ve fixed toilets, for example. They run? I can stop them. They dribble and sing like happy drunken idiots? I can shut their porcelain gobs. Anyone can, but some (ahem) people seem to think that the Gorgon sits inside the tank, and if they remove the lid they will behold its horrible visage and turn to stone. Or porcelain. No, toilets aren’t tough. Sinks are different.
Let me tell you why. I have worn glasses since fourth grade. Over the years my eyes continue to fade. I can still read a teleprompter from across the room. I can read one close-up if I ebeneezer my glasses down my nose and look up. But the middle distance is difficult, and under the entrails of the faucet are precisely where things become indistinct. Plus, it’s dark. And it’s wet. Plus, until a year ago I’d never installed a faucet, so I had no skill set. But when the faucet broke I had no choice. Luckily, my brother-in-law, LeGaulle, had installed many faucets. He even had custom faucet tools. Well then. We spent an afternoon removing the old one, and most of the time was spent lefty-loosening an threaded ring that had been tightened by a contractor who was having marital difficulties and took it out on his work. She thinks I’m lazy. (tighten.) She thinks I should come home right after work. (tighten) She thinks it’s wrong for a guy to have a beer with his buddies once in a while. (tighten) But she (tighten) can go out (tighten) with her friends and SCRAPBOOK (tighten) four nights a week (tighten tighten) and drink wine (tighten) and that’s okay (tighten)
Hey, Carl? I heard the marble crack. I think it’s tight enough.
We made two trips to the hardware store, and I bought a special tool I figured I’d never use again, but it worked. Once we got the ring off the old faucet came up as easily as a dog’s dinner, and the new faucet fitted happily into the hole. It had three nozzle-type-things, hot / cold / spray. I attached them with shiny new threaded-metal hoses, and all was good. The faucet worked.
But. I’d bought the wrong faucet. It was a Price-Pfister, and as the clerk at Home Depot later explained, that was Pfoolish. Within six months it began to leak. I got under the sink, tightened everything. No good. Said LeGaulle: we are coming over for Christmas, I will take a look.
You have to understand the male ego to get the next part. He spent almost an hour under the sink on Christmas, and when he was done the faucet leaked, the base of the faucet leaked, the connectors to the nozzle-type-things leaked, and the faucet itself made the most horrible sound when turned on. You doubt? Behold:
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Good Lord. Of course he was mortified, but that had more to do with wanting to do the right thing, not just stubborn male pride. I’m not saying a Frenchman has stubborn male pride; I’m just saying. He said he’d try again on Christmas after the big meal. He did. Somehow it got worse. He said we’d tackle it the next day, and he was true to his word.
It took almost an hour to remove the ring that held the faucet in place beneath the sink. Everything up there was jammed up and/or jelly tight, and there wasn’t any way to get leverage. But he got it off. Then we came to sorrow: the ring could not be removed from the nozzle-type-things. Oh, one of them slipped off, but the other two were 26 mm wide, and the ring was 25 mm wide.
“How did we do this?” he asked. “How did we get it in?”
I had a theory: the black plastic piece that connected the spray hose had been added after the three nozzle-type-things had been put through the ring. It was not meant to be removed. Ever. What man hath joined let no plumber pull asunder.
“Why don’t you call Steve?” my wife asked. I had considered calling the Giant Swede, but he has his own household to fix on weekends. I said we’d figure it out.
Mind you, this was all about getting the faucet loose so we could begin to discover the source of the leak.
After half an hour of pulling and turning and swearing, I went into Captain Smith mode. “You have done your duty,” I said. “I release you.”
“No, no. There has to be a way.”
“There is, and that’s cut the supply lines and install a new one.”
“No, no, that is like selling a car because the ashtray is full.”
“Well, I’ve done that, too.”
It took some work, but eventually he agreed: we have no choice. I got out the tinsnips, and we cut the lines.
Now we had a useless faucet AND a hole in the counter and an extra threaded-metal water supply tube. (Forgot to mention: somehow we managed to fit two trips to the hardware store in there.)
I bade him farewell with many thanks, went outside to have a small evil cigar. Checked my phone. One message: Giant Swede. Wanted to know if I wanted to go to Home Depot.
So we went to Home Depot; I got a new faucet, a proper one with brass internals, no plastic. He got . . . I don’t know, a concrete-capable nail gun, or something. We ate at McDonald’s because he had to bring home French Fries for his daughter. We watched the news about the terrorist attack on the plane on the big TV over the fireplace. (It’s a nice McDonald’s.) We poured out red ketchup on the blue faces of the characters on the AVATAR placemats and daubed our fries. We spoke of things Men of the World talk about, then I took him home.
It took me twenty minutes to install the new faucet. It is beautiful and works great and it doesn’t leak.
“Great!” said my wife. “Now can you do something about the toilet?”
–
One more thing – the little picture of the faucet above is from a late 50s ad. Anyone want to hazard a guess about the pop-cultural phenomenon to which the ad refers? 
A note – why, this is just the sort of thing you might see in the weekly BleatPlus feature, available in January 2010 to kind folks who donate. Join the popular crowd!
The rest of this week will be hit-and-or-miss; check in tomorrow for an open thread, if all goes well. Have a grand day.
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43 Responses to Tuesday, Dec. 29
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Ahhh, a basin wrench. Couldn’t find mine when I needed to replace my mother’s bathroom faucet, so I bought a new one.
And then, or course, found my old one. I’m now basin wrench rich.
Your old faucet is of course simulating the mating call of the Wookie. Or the death rattle of a Wookie. Hard to tell for sure.
There was a Formica factory in Rocklin CA – Closed in 2006.
I chortled happily through that. And my happiness is now complete at knowing there’s such a thing as a basin wrench.
Genuine Formnica, eh? These days, wouldn’t that be a bit like trying to advertise jewelry with Authentic Cubic Zirconia?
Z, there’s also such a thing as a ‘Ford distributor wrench’; which device is, if possible, even stranger than a basin wrench.
Dragnet (pop culture phenom to which the ad refers).
In my years of tinkering I’ve found that anything fastened with N fasteners, N-2 will come right off, one will give you some trouble, and one will not budge at all.
I wonder how many more kisses and beers Mr. Saturday Mechanic got when his wife realized he’d covered over the kitchen sink with formica. Oh sure, it’s magically there in the picture, but I don’t seem to see a step in his 5.5 hour plan for removing and replacing the 250lb cast iron sink. Not to mention making a hole in the formica for it. “Used ordinary carpenter saw – worked fine”.
ROFL.
Also, why did it take him half an hour to find the genuine Formica trademark?
“Cor, blimey! There … in that faucet! It’s the ghost of poor old Mr. Marley, it is!”
We had a Ford distributor wrench. It was a wonderful, twisted tool and a tribute to the engineers who designed the motor that needed such a thing. GM also had many specialty tools, the necessity for which I typically discovered in step 47 of the 88 step-process outlined in the shop manual. But nothing beats plumbing repairs for pure frustration.
Very stylish faucet. I can see why you bought it in the first place.
Good God, your old faucet sounds like the bastard offspring of a rancor and the Cloverfield monster.
And you defeated it!
I had no idea Lileks was a Jedi name.
my kitchen looks just like that photo. small cottagey thing dating from the days of delivered milk and radio. 1925, to be clear, since radio and milk have a long overlapping history.
am i nuts, or do i remember a paypal plea many moons ago, late ’90s?. I’m no receipt saver, and so i don’t have any proof or the slightest leg to stand on. I just have a vague feeling that I remember thinking I was the guy who discovered the bleat, and shot five bucks or so James’ way, say 1999-2000 or so.
yes, i realize the utter vaguness of this. just throwing it out to see if i am completely looney or not? did James have a paypal button a while ago?
no. i’m not saying “Hey wait a minnit, pal. I quite possibly sent you anything from 1 to 5 dollars, maybe around 1999, in response to a pay pal plea you may or may not have made. what about me? where’s my bonus content?” No. it’s more that i’m asking whether i’m bonkers or not, or merely vooing some deja.
of course, since james saves everything, he very well might have the receipt himself. just sayin…
Yes, James had a Paypal button a few years ago. Don’t you remember buying half a yak?
Bob
“Applied cemented back of Formica to cemented tops of cabinets. Used ordinary rolling pin”
Oh, Bollocks! I say, unless his counter was 2′x3′ maximum, or he had several assistants. Did they accept kisses from the lady of the house as well?
I’m with THX, I bet the edge of that Formica looked just lovely after being cut by a carpenter’s saw.
Oh, the sink video! Behold! The agony and the hilarity!
This is the Internet, lileks.com. My name is James Lileks, I’m a writer.
There’s no morning update. My job, write it!
Real Men have all the right specialized tools. Or know all the correct swear words to use while they improvise, then fail, and then get the right specialized tool for the job.
I had the same ghost-in-the pipes thing last year. Every faucet had it; if you cut it off too quick, it wailed like it had just lost its smedlicks. Turned out that the water pressure was too high; apparently the county adjusted some butterfly wings somewhere and it gave my plumbing the jeebers. Took about a week of fiddling with the regulator valve to get acceptable flow and no moans from the Moens. But I kept thinking, if this were a novel, it would be a symbolic foreshadowing of prostate problems Yet To Come.
@THX 1138
Joe Saturday: Don’t you con me with your fake Formica slop. I deal with kitchens every day. I try to clean up the mess that people like you make out of ‘em. I’m the expert here. You’re not
you’ll notice that the formica edges are covered both by the flange of the sink and the metal strip along the counter edge. …been trying to find a replacement for that edging for a while now for my own 20′s era kitchen.
That was operation zebu. There was another, unsolicited, when the missus was struck by tyrany around 2002.
I was about to say the same thing–decorative moldings can cover up a multitude of sins.
And you might try searching on the Old House Journal Web site for those metal strips; they’ve got whole pages of supplier listings for any number of quirky old-house stuff.
Have a few of those too! Alas, I don’t work on my cars anymore, so they’re just relics of a by-gone era for me…
That is pretty much our kitchen as well, built around 1955. Double porcelain sink with window view, white cabinets with vents under the sink. Our Formica is off-white with turquoise & mauve boomerang pattern.
Long story short, Paypal is comprehensively borked for me. I also am too lazy to regularly contribute via manual snail mail. HOWEVER, Capital One has this lovely online bill pay feature where they automatically mail checks to your various obligations for free. So when you get (c.o. the Tribune) snazily-official-looking checks from Capital One with my name on them, that’s me donating. Just a heads-up because I know it’s a roundabout way of doing things.
Happy new year!
I don’t remember a Pay Pal button, but I remember being able to donate through Amazon for awhile. Back when the bukkit was in danger! : ) I think (G)Natalie was still sitting in the shopping cart at that time…
Chuck,
I see what the problem may be. You have fallen into Murphy’s Trap(TM). You start removing the faucet (or whatever) by loosening the already loose nut and finishing with the frozen nut. Reverse that process. First remove the seemingly frozen nut and proceed backward through the nuts until ending with the one that literally falls off. Easy-peasy. No cursing, no knuckle-blood, positive self-image, happy sink.
Seriously, most times that final nut becomes stuck from torque. To prevent this first slightly loosen all of the nuts; just enough to break loose the bond. Maybe 1/32 of a turn. Once all of the nuts move you can proceed to remove them. You may need to lubricate the nuts/bolts with some WD-40, etc. to help break them loose but ALWAYS break loose all of the nuts first before removing them one at a time.
This message was produced using 100% post-consumer recycled keystrokes.
@Good Grief
Just tore out almost that same countertop and sink from my 1950′s kitchen. Unforunately, the countertop was practically built into the wall and I had to use the reciprocating saw on it. Didn’t know anyone would be interested in the old trim.
Even had the trim around the sink. The wife hated it. She said it was a crud-catcher.
Formica apparently made your whole world more colorful, caused flowers to grow upon your windowsill, increased your daily allotment of sex and booze – an amazing product, indeed.
Q: What’s the perfect gift for the (subscribing) Bleatnik who has everything?
A: A “Ghost in the Pipes” downloadable ringtone
I would use that. I really would.
Don’t forget it also measures, purchases and installs new drapery.
@*Di*
Don’t forget it also measures, purchases and installs new drapery.
Ditto!
I grew up in Northern Hills burbs of Cincinnati, Home Of Formica. One of the rites of spring in say, 1962, was going out the front door on a fresh, sunny May morning to wend my way to school. Greeting me at my parents’ door stoop was a warm zephyr from the south, laden with the promise of spring and the delicate perfume of FORMALDEHYDE from the Formica plant about three miles upwind.
Funny how the aromae of childhood bring back the past.
OK, this is my third shot at making this reply (each time with a slight variant), so my apologies if it’s showing up multiple times on your computer.
If you don’t see this, then well, I guess there isn’t much point in reading any further.
Anyway,
Don’t forget genuine Formica brand formica, when applied with genunie Formica brand formica cement – is more than happy to measure, purchase, and install new drapery as well.
Hmm. The best pfaucet I ever owned was a Price-Pfister. Easily installed, and never a leak, drip or strange noise. That was a few years ago, so maybe they don’t make ‘em like they used to.
Wish I could manage to complete a plumbing project with only two trips to the hardware store; I’ve never done one that required less than four. Regardless of how well-stocked my toolbox might be, or how many plumbing parts I have on hand, I never, ever have the right things for the job– and the stuff I buy on the first three trips are never sufficient to finish the job. I hate fixing plumbing.
When it comes to kitchen sink plumbing, the only way to get it right is to put down that fiddly basin wrench and just take the damn sink out of the countertop. Do that and you can see everything and reach everything and can even scrape out all of the old silicone caulk that’s been gathering mold around the edge of the sink for the past few years. C’mon, we all have that mold line growing on the back edge of the sink.
your faucet was lonely, that was the Mating Call of the Pfisters.
or you had a little gook under the seat. or the seal in the spray handle was not doing the job, and it was pulling back from there. I would have put a cap over the run to the sprayer first, to see about that. those spray handles are slop.
fixing plumbing is easy… until it isn’t. had a little of that last week. at that point, it is a help to have a well-stocked toolbox, because at that point, the water is off, the stores are closed, and you are left to your own devices. because at that point, you are going to have to cut things back a ways, and replace a lot more material.
My little desert home was built in ’59 – got the white with pink and green boomerang Formica with the metal ring around the sink, but the edges are finished on the front with the same material. Guess they must have hired a professional. It’s in such good shape I want to get some more to make a rollout cart to match…
The pink aluminum (!) tile in the bathroom is another matter. Was that supposed to be better than plastic? Eeesh.
She thinks I’m lazy. (tighten.) She thinks I should come home right after work. (tighten) She thinks it’s wrong for a guy to have a beer with his buddies once in a while. (tighten) But she (tighten) can go out (tighten) with her friends and SCRAPBOOK (tighten) four nights a week (tighten tighten) and drink wine (tighten) and that’s okay (tighten)
My God, you have penetrated my deepest thoughts!!
Of course, men don’t really mind if thier wives go out 4 times a week to Scrapbook and drink wine…whatever gets her out of the house so we can watch History Channel on the “proper” TV in the den.
And, it goes without saying (and it gives me no pleasure to say it), the odds of women getting up to no good at a Scrapbooking night of wine and whine are virtually nil. On the other hand, the odds of men…well, you know what I mean. In the imortal words of Chris Rock (or was it Eddie Murphey), woman need a reason to cheat…men just need an opportunity.
Your old faucet is of course simulating the mating call of the Wookie. Or the death rattle of a Wookie. Hard to tell for sure.
Heh–before I even read the comments, my thoughts upon hearing that sound was that it reminded me of a constipated Wookiee. And yeah, I’d consider that as a ringtone even though I never really use ‘em (teacher, musician, phone always on vibrate).
Another gem, Jim. Still laughing at the Moaning fixture. What is it about plumbing issues and Winter? Water pressure tank began leaking and many trials and tribulations follow until its repair. Culminating with pipes spitting air and rusty water. Turned out the system was sucking air and wouldn’t stop until the plumber was able to stuff the hole with a several $50′s and some $20′s, all mine.