Well, this is uncomfortable: a fundraiser just as I announce a hiatus.
There will still be updates here, every day, for stuff on the site; I get all that done on Friday night, and roll it out over the week. The Strib Blog will be assuming a much bloggier format soon, so there will be posts there two, three times a day. There’s the Twitter. The Posterous pic blog, Matchbook, Comic Sins, Out of Context Ad Challenge, 100 Mysteries, Black and White World, 30s – all this and much much more down the road, I hope. But the Bleat?
Well, that’s where you come in. More at the end of this installment – which, for the possible Last One, is pretty typical, for good or for ill.
We got a fake tree on Saturday. It looks just as good as an original, except it doesn’t have that je en sais quoi, which is French for “needles in the rug six months later.” Doesn’t have that piny good smell, but real trees lose their bouquet almost immediately. Mainly because they are dead. Every year we put a tree in water, and every year the water gets undrunk. And we think it’s cute when kids put out cookies for Santa: same childlike belief. The tree may take a sip at first, but eventually it realizes that there’s no point prolonging this. Whatever lies the woodsman told the tree – oh, you’re going to a better place with even better roots – it has to realize that this nightmare will only end in death. You can say we treat the trees well in their last days, dressing them up and making them feel special, but those scarified on Mayan altars got a bath and some perfume, too.
The new tree has joints and hinges; it’s wired like – well, like a Christmas tree, with the lights woven into the very essence of the tree itself. I expect it will pay for itself in three years. Best of all: no fears it will set the house ablaze. If this tree gets set on fire, it will just melt.
That’s the other amusing thing about real trees: they can burn your house down, even though they’re the only piece of wood in the house sitting in a pail of water.
After that we went to Bed Bath and Beyond, as I needed some light from the Oort Cluster, and while my wife found things Beyond that which we had come for, I wandered around. I’ve always liked the store, especially the art department, which really can clarify for a fellow just exactly what he doesn’t want hanging on the wall. Some women love the store because it has an entire wing devoted to pillows you can put on the bed. Something for everyone, I guess.
This caught my eye, and not just for its ability to cause angst in people who’d just bought the Over Tank Toilet Holder six weeks before without suspecting the Plus! model was in the works:
No, there’s something else. See if you can spot it. Or them. I know what they mean, but “extra” might have been a better choice. Or “Extrique,” in French.
Sunday contained the annual slog of misery known as “Getting the Christmas Cards.” I made a very nice card with custom lettering and a nice snowflake design tucked behind at 19% opacity. Not 20; not 18; 19%. Details like that set me apart from the amateurs. I put the picture on a thumb drive. I went to Walgreens. They have two machines, but one was occupied by a strange lady who brayed every question and pecked at the screen as if she expected it to poke back, twice as hard. The other machine was used by someone who had a CD of 647 pictures, and she was going through them one by one to see which would make a good Christmas shot. There I stood, a guy with one (1) picture on a thumb drive, ready to roll, but of course they’d gotten there first. I could tell this would last the better part of the day. I went to Target.
Put in the thumb drive. It was not recognized. It didn’t even pretend to recognize it and say “hey, how you doing,” in the hopes it would remember its name later in the conversation. I asked a clerk if the machine had problems, and I could tell by her immediate response that the machines didn’t have problems, all the stupid people around here had problems, and she didn’t know nothing about this, so it was my problem. As I tweeted: Target was doing their photo-booth hiring from the Li’l Witch Employment Agency this year, it seemed. I asked her if she had a thumb drive I could use, and she said – literally – “Nah.”
Nice to hear that someone still says “Nah,” because I tend to use it in a novel from time to time.
What would another thumb drive do, you ask? It didn’t have my picture. You can’t make them up and tip them from side to side in the hopes the picture transfers. No, but – get this – I’d brought my laptop. With all the fonts installed. I knew this would happen. The machines weren’t recognizing a Mac-formatted drive, apparently. I didn’t think it was Mac formatted, but apparently it had gone native after being plugged in enough times. So: I went back to electronics, bought the cheapest thumb drive I could find – a Lexar, which sounds like Superman’s arch enemy saying his name drunk (Thass Luth, I said. Luth Lexar.”) I transferred the picture, then went back to the kiosk.
“You have 174 images on the drive,” said the screen.
I did? What? Did this thing come pre-loaded with holiday pictures of people better looking than me? Because that would be okay. But I found the picture of child and dog, and tried to find the right format. Ah, hah: you can print a long picture, but you have to use their templates.
Li’l Witch explained it this way: “you gotta use the presets and it won’t do it otherwise.”
Okay. Well. There was a Walgreens nearby – a different one – and I sped over to see if they could print the entire damned thing. They had one machine, and it was being operated by a nice old lady who really seemed to think it was a slot machine. I asked the clerk if they printed long pictures, or if I had to use their templates.
“Uh, you have to use the templates?” he said. “But I don’t know maybe you don’t have to online.” Online! Where anything is possible! Perhaps, but I needed these now.
So I went back to Target. Went back to the cafe where I’d opened my laptop and transferred the pictures. Opened up the card. Cropped it. Went back. Plugged it in. Here’s the amusing part, in retrospect: I set the card up as a long format card, even though the picture was now small. Typed in the message, using their wide variety of fonts (Blando, Hobo, Comico Sanso, Crappo, Crappo Bold, Mussolini [a variant of New Times Roman, I think] and others. Helped out a lady at the adjacent kiosk who was going mad trying to adjust her copy. Me, I right justified, hit 50 copies, and got my receipt. My one-hour order would be ready the next day at 10 AM. Well, there is one hour in there, somewhere.
Then to church for daughter’s choir concert. Quite the production. Lasted over an hour, probably had 15 songs, with six different choirs, bell choirs, and a thundering organ. Most of the songs no one had heard before, which is interesting; Christmas has been touring for so long you think you know the entire catalog, and then it turns out they have a new album out. They ended with Stairway to Heaven “Joy to the World,” of course. Magnificent. Collected child, had supper at a neighborhood Italian joint, then back home to wind up the weekend and gird loins for the week to come.
So: I’m torn here. I really owe you the details, especially if I’m rattling the cup, but on the other hand it’s a rather obvious situation: I need to do some long-term paying work, but I don’t want to give this up. On the other hand, keeping this up interferes with long-term paying work. Augh, this is killing me here. Why can’t we do both? We can – if the Bleat & the site turns into long-term paying work as well.
As I said, it’s not going to be shut down. I’ll try to keep something here every day until the long-term project’s done or in the pipe 5 by 5. There will be a Christmas Diner – in fact, I have a great series of Santas from 20s newspapers lined up, and a special Christmas greeting from Jerry on the Job and Casper Milquetoast, so at least we’ll be running through the end of the year. And I’d like to think beyond. I was actually working on the 2010 version when the contrusions began.
If you don’t want to contribute: fine, I understand – it’s been voluntary on my part from the start. It’s been grand sharing it all with you since day one.
Almost forgot: Monday Matchbook, here.
Pass it along, if you wish
84 Responses to Dec. 14: Goodbye! Maybe. Or not. Sigh.
Host with the Most
The package states that the TP device holds one roll. However, the picture shows that it holds two rolls.
Great Job James!
Here you go…
Stay.
I would gladly pay a monthly subscription (perhaps in the $10-$15 range?) and I also would not be offended one iota if you sold some ad space. I started reading the bleat at my father’s behest at 17 and have probably missed ~10 total since (20 years old now). I probably owe James more than anyone else for the way I write now so it’s only fair for him to receive at least a little compensation after all these years.
@MikeH
I believe it’s not a matter of what other people care about the extras. I think James is the one who cares; and that’s why we have been enjoying the Bleat for so long.
James, I tried to send money electronically, but it’s been so long since I used Paypal I couldn’t recall my password. The check is in the mail.
Bob
A litttle off subject I realize, and maybe you already saw this but “The Gobbler” is up for sale and they have a site.
http://www.buythegobbler.com/
They have a virtual tour and they claim they have fixed it up. It looks the same to me.
Dammit Jim, you’re a blogger, not a masseuse.
Well, I suppose I could live without my Bleatfix, but I don’t wanna…
Check is in the mail. Please stay! I’d miss the writing and the old catalogs, stamps, Jasper and Natalie stories, and the reactions from all the other Bleatniks.
And before I forget…
LAXATIVES.
Made my “donation” via PayPal. It’s just a small downpayment on the many chuckles and hours of enjoyment you’ve given me over the past few years, James. No matter what my mood after a morning of teaching nine-year-olds, I’ve looked forward to reading the day-brightening Bleat during my lunch break. If it has to go away, I’ll understand — but the day will seem a little longer.
I’ve been reading Bleats for 7 years now. About time to toss something into the cup. *clink!*
We, too, finally made the switch to an artificial tree this year. We would always get the tree to suck up water for a few days…but we’d always run into the day in which the reservoir went dry, and, at that point, the tree would seal up, and it was just a matter of time until it was dry as kindling. Plus, my wife *hated* stringing lights on the tree (but also hated how it looked when I did it).
So, this year, we finally bought a pre-lit fake tree. It actually looks pretty good. I had the bright idea of finding one of those plug-in fragrance dispensers in a pine scent, to replicate the aroma, but several minutes in the “home air care” section of my grocery store found that none of the major manufacturers of such items has deigned to create a Christmas Tree scent.
“…it doesn’t have that je en sais quoi…”
.
It’s “je ne sais quoi!”
Barbarian.
All righty then, Bleatniks unite! Here is a home for the Institute of Official Cheer!
I’m throwing in a few denarii to help support everyone’s favorite astonishingly talented Director of the Institute of Good Cheer. But I’m also a terribly foregetful and irresponsible person who will probably not reliably do so in the future… UNLESS a substription option gets put in! Please do that so I can make it an automatic monthly contribution. It can’t be hugem as I am poor, but I am honored to do what I can.
I knew this would happen when you ended up with two gazebi.
I ran across you site a few months ago while looking for pictures of old Minneapolis. Don’t remember what got me looking for this – some silly Friday night nostalgia trip or something. I’m impressed with the depth of your content. I humbly advance – your abilities lay in your sound understanding of beauty and a noble work ethic. How you reconcile your gifted abilities with a suburban existence must be difficult. You seem a man struggling, a man out of his element. I suggest downsizing, moving back to the country, and living a more agrarian lifestyle.
I’m glad to chip in and I would love to be able to subscribe. The Bleat has been my daily coffee break reading material for the last 8 years. I can’t count the times I’ve laughed out loud. I would gladly pay for something that brings this much laughter to my life. I would be very sad if it went away.
I contributed. I was gonna anyway but the Gnat/Jasper picture tipped me over the edge! Merry Christmas!
James I hope this sudden transformation into the Monk with the begging bowl from KIM [the one by Kipling, not the 90s porn] was NOT CAUSED by the guy who Madoff with your royalties for the last 2 books as ye related earlier this almost gone year.
Folks, if one of you is a P.I. you could perhaps help by finding this agent of evil who used to be a book agent and …. using some persuasion. Lileks cannot be the only person robbed. Just Sayin’.
In any case, hope you find real work soon. Merry Christ-Mass.
Well, THAT felt good! It’s been so long since the last time I donated, the surplus after bandwidth charges went to buy a yak for a village somewhere. Anybody else remember those days? How about clicking on the Amazon link picturing the Gallery/Mommy/Gastroanomalies just so the proprietor would get the points on your purchases? James, thanks as always.
To quote roughly, “The Bleat began and will no doubt end….” Ah, well. You warned us. Thanks for it all. Time to place the Gallery and Mama and Desecrations back on the casual loo– I mean coffee table rotation.
Serious question: Thot about offering T-shirts etc. based on old ads? There’s several POD companies that do that sort of tghing; you provide the design, they print ‘em to order as the orders come in.
I can’t see this coming to an end, just because I think you must enjoy making it as much as we enjoy reading it. Personally, I have very much enjoyed all the ephemera you scrape up for us, and the diners in particular. Count me among those who would be happy to pay a monthly subscription to continue enjoying your humor and insights. Just as I have enjoyed all the Gallery books, this is very worthwhile source of entertainment, and certainly worth throwing down a little coin for. Don’t take that lightly, because I know how to pinch a penny, but I also know when something is worth cracking open the pocketbook.
Have a great Holidays
How could I forget – I wish you and yours a very Blessed Merry Christmas! Take Care, Ted @Ted Baxter
Well, I donated what I could; I wish it could be more. I do have a couple remarks to make, if you would endure me. Mostly my thoughts center on the statement:
“We can – if the Bleat & the site turns into long-term paying work as well.”
I’ve been reading this site for about 7 – 8 years now, and while I can’t quite put my finger on it – the overall tone of the Bleat has changed as of late (IMO). And I think it’s because this site has become “work” for you James. I’ve sat back and marveled at the number of things you’ve been able to juggle, but I have to admit it’s my belief that perhaps it’s time to let some of the balls drop, and obviously, the ones that don’t pay anything would have to go first; especially when presented with the nightmare of publishing a book, only to receive … nothing.
Anyway, it’s been a great run, but I’d rather see this site go out on top than to slowly fade away, or begin to read like something someone was paid to do. I guess what I’m saying is I think the great attraction (for me anyway) of this site has always been the off the cuff spontaneity of the articles… being paid to write this forum will turn it more into something you feel you have to do (which I think is what’s been going on anyway), and less of something you love to do, just for the sake of it.
Like all the others, I’d miss the Bleat a great deal, but if I may say so, you have to keep your priorities straight – find a balance between work, play and providing for your family.
Perhaps you simply need to take an extended, extended hiatus from here and come back to it later, with lots of fresh new ideas and stories to share. I’m sure everyone would be here waiting when and if you found yourself ready to come back.
In any event, best of luck with whatever you decide to do (and with what little I know about you as an individual, I do know it will be the right thing).
Here’s wishing you, the Bleatniks, and the Bleat the best over the holidays, into, and well after, the New Year.
Re trees of the Christmas variety, ours are always live (or previously live) and suck up water like no one’s business. They do seem to cease the suckup sometime around New Years, as if there is a genetic marker that tells us to take the damn thing down.
But we are not killing the tree! For years we too went up 50 in the Sierra foothills to whack one down with a mighty nasty saw they’d hand to all visitors, along with a flame thrower and old sticks of dynamite. Fun for all ages! Anyway, they gave strict instructions: Cut ABOVE the lowest group of branches. That way, one of them will take over as the trunk and voila! in a few years another tree! And sure enough, some of the current stock of trees were, upon close examination, growing from the branch of an already-cut tree.
This was both nice and also sobering. Nice, in that you really aren’t killing a tree. Sobering, in that you are essentially decorating lawn trimmings.
This is a bit awkward. I have enjoyed the Bleat for a few years now, and would love to help it’s continuation, but how much does one tip a website?
And if we donate the spare change we hunt from the couch cushions, and the site does become a pay site, will we need to pay again?
I have to agree with this statement. Too often lately, it seems like you’re writing here just to check off an item on a list.
If you don’t want to write any more, then quit. No hard feelings, and thanks for everything!
@ScottG
I suppose. The way I saw it, it stored one roll; the other roll was being used.
I guess I didn’t see it that way. Depends on whether there’s a difference between “stores” and holds. And what the definition of “is” is…
It’s up to you. 10 cents a day = $25 a year. 25 cents/day = $62.50 / year. That’s how I look at it.
I shall miss you deeply. I have kept a number of your pieces, in a file called Lilek’s Rants. When you get going it is glorious. The combination of your humor and your command of the language are a great pleasure to read. You remind me some of Dennis Miller when he gets on a roll…or used to. That is a great compliment in my eyes. Go with God, and I will miss Natalie and Jasper.
Dorothy Lucas
Don’t continue The Bleat because you feel like you owe us. You’ve done enough. I worked a dull, lonely job for four long years and The Bleat was often the bright spot of my morning. If this whole place shut down tomorrow, I couldn’t fault you.
Another commenter mentioned owning all the books because of the website. This is true for me, as well. We’ve moved five times since 2006, thanks to my husband’s work, and I’ve had to pare down my possessions to the minimum. But I kept your books. And I’ll buy your future books, too. Even if you never put another syllable on the internet again. So this has not been an entirely penniless venture.
But I know. It’s not at all proportional to the time you’ve spent.
I’m looking for a job these days. (Hopefully, something a little less dull than the aforementioned.) I can’t make any promises about money until it happens. But I have loved the work you’ve done here. I wish saying so was enough to fill your wallet.
Re: Not killing trees.
Yep, as a matter of fact, my grandfather taught us almost the same thing. He actually said to leave only the north-most branch from the bottom rung, as that one stands the best chance of standing up straight over time, thereby creating the most pleasant looking tree down the road.
Regardless, I prefer live trees, and I don’t think I’d ever be happy with an artificial tree. That would be like eating an artificial steak, or having an artificial baby, or reading a newspaper online.
My contribution is in the pot. Least I can do for a man who may be the only other human out there who remembers “Search.”
How about this: compile all the Bleats into a handsome bound volume using lulu.com or similar and I’ll do my part and pony up to buy a copy. Lot’s of folks have a thing about paying for pixels or NPR. I tend to free-load on both but I do throw down for the odd Car Talk merch from time-to-time. I’m not saying don’t shake the cup under the readers nose it’s not for nothing those NPR fund drives but maybe mix in a bit more regular commerce for us deadbeats.