Many years ago, in the Mayan capital: a wealthy man is surveying his room of slave-scribes, all of whom have been calculating the calendar into the future. They have no idea why they have been set to this task, but their lot is not to question. It is tedious work, but full of mysteries; no one quite understands why their master wants a list of all the three-day weekends, for example. SO I CAN PLAN A BARBEQUE, he shouts. What does that mean? Today he strides around the room with his usual imperious swagger, peering at their work, correcting mistakes – one slave put “thanxsquvng” on the second week in November, whatever that was, and he was beheaded on the spot – and when he is done, he asks how far they’ve gotten. He does this every day.
“December 21, 2012” says Tectoquixtal, whose name means “Urine of Jaguar.”
The master nods, as if he expected nothing less, then turns and leaves the room. Tectoquixtal watches him cross the street – and can barely believe his eyes when his master is struck by a spear thrown from the nearby practice range. It catches him in the chest, and he drops without a sound.
Tectoquixtal looks down at his work, the date Dec. 21, 2012, and thinks, well, screw this, then.
That may be as good an explanation as any other, I suppose. I don’t care why the Mayan calendar ends, and have no anxieties. Had not intended to see “2012,” since Emmerich’s movies post- “Independence Day” have been dumber and dumber. (“ID” was implausible enough, but as a big loud action thing, it was fun.) But the child was at a sleepover and my wife wanted to see it, so we went. I was dismayed beyond measure to find out it was 2 hours and 38 minutes long – when you add previews, you’re talking three hours. Sigh. Well.
One of the previews made me cringe: Hugh Grant and either Sarah Jessica-Parker or John Kerry as a couple on the ropes who have to enter witness protection as a married couple. I would rather be tased in a bramblebush than see that. The other movie was “Avatar,” which of course looks great but smacks of another industrial-sophisticated-civilization mean, tree-dwelling dragon-riders noble. We’ll see.
Sensing that audience might have a limited attention span, and wanting to show the movie more than once a day, the theater had cut back on the previews, and that’s fine. Three’s about right. Four makes you annoyed with the fourth one. Five make you want to scream.
Oh, the movie? People are insulating themselves from snob-smack by saying “it’s actually not that bad,” and I understand; I thought the same thing. In retrospect I realize is it AWESOME even if it turns into “The Poseidon Adventure for the last three hours of its 47-hour running time. I don’t mind big noisy stupid things-blow-up movies; I liked the first Transformers, loathed the second, enjoyed ID4, wanted to take an ice pick to everyone involved in “The Day After Tomorrow,” loved the first half of “War of the Worlds,” and so on. “2012” is really “When Worlds Collide” without the other planet, for reasons that are obvious towards the end. The acting isn’t all ham and cheese; the editing isn’t cut-a-second Michael Bay-style retina-jackhammering, and the special effects – well, that’s what we go for. The end of LA is probably the most remarkable piece of urban destruction committed to the screen.
Okay, it’s not awesome. It relies on preposterous coincidences and fortuitous skills, it suffers from Danny Glover who manages to avoid both gravitas and intelligence as the President, it reprises the nail-biting “we’re flying away as the runway is destroyed” idea about three times to many, it wants you to believe that a fully-laden Russian cargo yet can drop into a shallow trench with an airspeed of 6, maybe 7 knots, but still pull up in time to carrying its precious cargo to the third act, and – worst of all – it’s full of moments where people make speeches, emotional speeches, about, you know, emotions, at a time when the clock says SEVEN SECONDS UNTIL AIRBORNE CHUNKS OF HAWAII FALL ON OUR HEADS. Most of the “real” people, the little folk who aren’t part of the government conspiracy, don’t react the way normal people would react. The end of the world has a rather small psychic footprint, it seems.
One of the more irritating things: John Cusack’s character is a sorta-failed guy whose hot wife divorced him and took up with a shallow boob-enhancement doctor, and they have two kids he takes on a camping trip. Anyone want to guess? You, in the back there.
“Uh, a winsome little girl who loves her dad, and a sullen older boy who acts distant and resentful?”
Very good! You’ve seen the movie. Or did you just see “War of the Worlds,” which had the same idea? It’ll be a movie that breaks all the rules when the heroes comprise an intact, stable, well-adjusted family. Could even be a family where dad goes to work at a job and mom stays home with the kids, because I’ve heard that actually happens. (If you’re joining this site late in the game, and want to take me to task for proposing such sexist tripe: I was a stay-at-home dad, and am still the primary bus-picker-upper / drive to karate-piano-choir / make the lunches / etc guy. So chill.) While we’re at it, we’ll know someone’s breaking all the rules when the President is a white guy. Your first thought upon seeing Danny Glover: that’s not the President. Morgan Freeman is the President.
That said, I grew up during the Golden Age of Disaster Movies, and this thing is state of the art. Rather amusing ending, too. Oh, that’s where we’re going? There? Cripes. You can drop me off here, thanks.
That was the weekend, more or less – Friday I did all the updates for the site while listening to old radio (finally found some of Jack Webb’s early comedy show; surprisingly anarchic and almost, err, post-modern in its ridicule of the medium’s conventions), then watched some of Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell.” Not a big horror fan, but I like Sam Raimi’s patented blend of shocks & gags, and supposedly this was a return to his roots. Perhaps it is; I lost interest. Saturday, the aforementioned movie. Sunday, I did the Minnesota Youth Symphonies concert at Orchestra Hall. Great show. So was the one outside the Hall:
One man sitting on a bucket, singing. Heard him from a block away. He was great.
Twenty-four second video. You can give him that, can’t you? If the video doesn’t play, go HERE.
(Note to anyone using the low-light feature on the Kodak Zi8: turns any shot into ShakyCam.)
Later: Matchbook Monday, of course. See you soon.
Pass it along, if you wish
66 Responses to Monday, November 16
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_@_v – i think the best commentor on waiting for the end of the world was someone fretting over y2k realising – if the great snail really is gonna end the world is (s)he really gonna do it on midnight… central time?
Drag Me To Hell isn’t great, by any means. In fact, it’s kind of lame, relying way too much on BIG SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE “SHOCK” MOMENTS!!!1!!
But the ending is bracingly ferocious, and you should stick with it to get there.
Jack Webb comedy show? Can’t imagine. I haven’t found it for free yet, but someone has two episodes on a $5 Jack Webb CD. otrcat.com
The two episodes are available here:
http://www.freeotrshows.com/otr/j/Jack_Webb.html
Reminescent of the Stan Freberg show, though not as funny. Weird thing is I wouldn’t recognize Webb’s voice at all. Ironic, since Stab Freberg’s most popular schtick was his Dragnet takeoffs.
I’d rather listen to the singer for about 2 hours and give him a nice donation than see 2012. Actually now I really want it to be the year 2012 so I can see the reactions and excuses of the end of the world belivers when nothing happens that day.
James, I sure hope you dropped a dollar or two into that guy’s bucket. A good singer, with a positive attitude. Good for him.
As an astronomy professor, I keep getting asked about the 2012 thing. One local crank even left separate messages with both of my secretaries to ask if I was aware of the significance of the date (this was maybe 3 years ago, before most of the nonsense started). He just wanted to make sure I knew about it. (What exactly am *I* supposed to do about the end of the world?)
No, the Mayans weren’t better astronomers than we are. No, they didn’t know anything about the center of the Milky Way. No, the sun won’t line up with the exact center of the Galaxy in 2012. And no, they weren’t actually designing their calendar with a date 2,000 years in the future in mind.
The funny thing is, I knew about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 about five years ago. I had gone down to Guatemala to tour the Mayan ruins, and I’d read up on their hieroglyphics and calendar system. The book I used had a 1-2 sentence note in the calendar chapter than mentioned they’d run out of digits (like the odometer flipping) in 2012. Period. No other comment. And this is in a scholarly book that goes into depth about their mythology and cosmology.
I thought that was pretty cool and jokingly suggested to friends that somebody ought to write a movie about an Indiana Jones type who pairs up with an astronomer (ahem) who’s figured out the meaning of the calendar ending–some kind of end-of-the-world disaster, I joked–and they’ve got to race to stop it. Silly, but it would be fun, and what better timing than now to make it? I couldn’t interest any other astronomer friends in trying to write a movie script, but I was half-kidding anyway.
Five years later, and we’ve got half the country thinking this is real. Borders has an entire section devoted to it. Sigh.
James, I’d give that singer much more than 24 seconds. Thanks for the Monday morning attitude adjustment!
I suppose that I’m the only one who saw the words “shallow boob-enhancement doctor” and thought, “even if the character were multifaceted and deep as all get out, he’d still be a shallow-boob enhancement doctor. Ain’t hyphens grand?
If the only two points on a line are the sun and the exact centre of the galaxy, don’t they always line up?
Of course, I meant the only two significant points. I suppose they mean that they line up without anything else in the way? Never mind, it is too silly to start, as you pointed out.
[...] Lileks looks at the Mayan calendar. Many years ago, in the Mayan capital: a wealthy man is surveying his room of slave-scribes, all of whom have been calculating the calendar into the future. They have no idea why they have been set to this task, but their lot is not to question. It is tedious work, but full of mysteries; no one quite understands why their master wants a list of all the three-day weekends, for example. SO I CAN PLAN A BARBEQUE, he shouts. What does that mean? Today he strides around the room with his usual imperious swagger, peering at their work, correcting mistakes – one slave put “thanxsquvng” on the second week in November, whatever that was, and he was beheaded on the spot – and when he is done, he asks how far they’ve gotten. He does this every day. [...]
I thought the center of the Milky Way was all nougat and caramel.
This looks like a movie worth getting on PPV or On Demand. And you’re right. Danny Glover isn’t the President. He doesn’t meet the qualifications to be the President. The best Glover can be is perhaps the Vice President, or Secretary of State. Freeman is the President.
He’s also God.
As for the date: Nothing will happen. Nothing out of the ordinary. So the Mayan calendar stops then. It stopped for the Mayans, not for all of civilization. The calendar hanging up in the kitchen stops on December 30, 2009. ZOMG The world’s gonna end soon!
Actually, it ends on December 31, 2009.
My vehicle broke down the other day, so while I’m riding with the tow truck driver to the shop he mentions 2012. He’s probing me with questions trying to get me interested in the subject, of which I have no interest, and disdain in the way I disdain cleaning my cat’s litter box out after a weekend away from home. It was apparent the guy was taking it seriously, and I tried to mention as respectfully as possible (never insult someone who is towing your only means of transportation) that there’s nothing special about the Mayans when it comes to astronomy or calendars. They didn’t have the ability to predict the future, otherwise they would have seen the Spaniards coming and would have attacked them before they even set foot on shore.
I don’t think I convinced him, not that I was trying to. Some people just feel the need to attach themselves to stuff like this. When 2012 comes and nothing happens, there will be another date to come up where the end of the world is going to happen, a comet or meteor or something. What ever sells books, movies, or whatever. It’s like the man said – a fool and his money are soon parted.
In the sci-fi movies of the fifties, the characters were always racing to notify the authorities of this and that. For the 2012 thing, would astronomy professors be the authorities? Any way, it looks like you’ve got it handled. Well done!
_@_v – i would think that the solar system is already in a direct line of gravitation fire with every stellar mass out there – especially given the vast distances involved.
any real or imagined alignment isn’t gonna make any more difference than if all the people in china and india were to jump up and down all at once.
Get the singer on the street to work with Charles Lazarus and it would be fantastic! The background of the Lazarus home page music sounds like Steely Dan. Nice work.
Sunday night without MadMen–bummer.
The world simply CAN’T end on Dec. 21, 2012 because at that point my annual Frank Zappa’s Birthday Party will just be getting revving.
Best thing about Dec 21, 2012?
No need to finish your Christmas shopping.
And once again, my oldest sister’s birthday on Dec 24 gets overlooked. Man she got jobbed with that birth date. I honestly think that is why the Mayans picked to the 21st. Just to mess with her.
Of course, you could have saved yourself the bux and watched “2012! It’s a Disaster” at yt:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZW2qxFkcLM0
I had a pressman talk about 2012 with me the other day, and I had the same reaction as some of the other posters (I. Dont. Want. To. Talk. About. It.) Not because I Fear the Truth (I can’t handle the truth!), but because I didn’t want to know if this guy really believed that nonsense.
I couldn’t tell. Perhaps he just wanted to send me up. Perhaps we had nothing else to talk about (certainly not the cutbacks at the newspaper and the prospects of losing our jobs next year).
Really, I can sort of understand people who believe in astrology or UFOs. Acquiring gullibility seems to be part of our DNA. But this beats all. A shared illusion born out of nothing more than certain people misreading history and culture, and getting other people to share it so they can make some bucks out of it.
Or as Marvin might say: “Humans. Don’t talk to me about humans.”
“Kaboom?”
“Yes, Rico. Kaboom.”
There was the 2- hour Prisoner premiere- any thoughts?
I liked the old #6 (renamed #93: 9-3=6) escaping; and presumably finding the answers. What was missing was the dramatic musical theme. Having Brian Wilson in the background at certain points was kind of jarring for me.
People do seem to adore seeing my hometown tumble into the sea (sigh). But of course, given life in SoCal these days, I’m not sure many of the people who live here would mind all that much.
And I loved “Drag Me to Hell,” fwiw. I see just about every big dumb loud movie that comes out (I’m skipping “2012,” however), and DMtH was one of my favorites this summer. I mean, it’s not what one might call theologically sound, but it’s a lot of fun, and the ending left me both whimpering and delighted. (Also, the “I’m a Mac” bozo is not a bad actor.)
@Mikey NTH
“There will be casualties. I don’t expect Private to survive.”
Where’s the “kaboom”? I expected an Earth shattering “kaboom.”
Beautiful singing. Thank you for sharing that lovely little clip.
I haven’t seen 2012 but I love a good disaster movie. I even like really cheesy ones. I remember my epiphany about why people love end-of-the-world tales when I read Lucifer’s Hammer. A Boy Scout leader watches the meteorite fall and dances with joy. He was preparing to kill himself so his family could get the insurance money, and now he knows there are no banks, no credit card companies, no more crushing worries about 401ks or retirement. There is only survival.
I like disaster movies and end-of-the-world books because I return to my daily life and value what should be valued. That’s what they’re for, I think.
I think the third point is the Earth-based observer, but you’re right – it’s too silly.
AFAIK, the world may indeed end on or about Nov 6, 2012, but it has nothing to do with the Mayans.
I had a slightly different take last Friday…
http://www.rockwoodcomic.com/2012movie.html
I’m glad you liked the Webb comedy show. I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover a lot of Tv celebrities and personalities I remember from the 1950s and 60s had oddball radio roots (Henry Morgan, f’r instance, I remember only as a perennial game show panelist; he had a great half-hour radio show that was in the same vein as Webb’s).
Over at IMDB there is a funny thread running in the comments section of 2012 regarding “100 things I learned from 2012″ there were over 200 comments last night.
I saw a brief clip of a Cusack interview regarding 2012. He said that he fully expected the end of the world to occur by then because of global warming. I can’t believe my intelligent wife attended the same high school as this bloody moron.
If the Mayans were predicting the end of their world, they were off by about 700 years.
Wow- did I misunderstand something? I thought the “shallow boob-enhancement doctor” was doing work improving John Cusack’s personality.
I am simply amazed that the all-seeing Mayans embraced and worshipped Christ centuries before any european had set foot in central america.
If memory serves, it was the X-Files finale that first put the Mayan Long Calendar into the pop-culture doomsday fantasy machine.
The best handling of an end-of-the-world scenario that didn’t come to pass was by the Church of the Subgenius, an it’s-a-joke-or-is-it? “religion.” The full story can be found in Wikipedia, but the basics are these:
“An important SubGenius event occurred on July 5, 1998: X-Day. The Church had been predicting that on this day the world would be destroyed by invading alien armies known as the X-ists (which is short for “Men from Planet X”). Only the members of the Church of the SubGenius were expected to be saved from this SubGenius version of the apocalypse, by being carried away in the spaceships of the Sex-Goddesses. When the promised cataclysm failed to manifest, Rev. Stang was tarred and feathered by his fellow SubGenii.
“Reverend Ivan Stang has given many excuses for the failure of the Rupture to happen, such as claiming that “Bob” betrayed all SubGenii, that the scriptures were accidentally read upside down (hence the real year of the Rupture will be 8661), or that due to calendrical error or sabotage it is not yet really 1998.
“Others have suggested that the X-ists did visit Earth as predicted, but that the planet we know as Earth was either secretly switched with Mars sometime during or shortly after World War II, or that the X-ists left with the persuasion that mankind will do the job just as well, if not better.”
Now THAT’s how one handles a failed prophecy!
The Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator! That creature has stolen the space modulator! Delays, delays! (Summons space dog) Go and fetch me that Earth creature and bring back the Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!
I’ve been following an interesting webcomic since 2004 by Twin Cities artist Paul Taylor. http://wapsisquare.com has featured a 2012 story arch as a background thread for several years. Paul seems to be tying it up now. Paul is a talent, and his story has focused more on 2012 in the past year. Prior to that it hinted at some mysticism on the fringe of the stories. Really has focused on six characters in the past year, but prior to that he had over a dozen characters that he would routinely visit. Good way to waste a day be starting at the beginning. Wapsi Square & Day By Day Cartoon are two daily indulgences – really the only comics that I check in on daily (Well Michael Ramirez at IBD too – but that’s it).
How does John Cusack keep getting work? He is ugly but probably thinks he’s handsome, he seems smug and condescending yet tries to come off as “the common man”, and he strikes me as shallow and stupid yet fancies himself an intellectual. Ever heard his “deep” policital and social views? Moron.
“It’ll be a movie that breaks all the rules when the heroes comprise an intact, stable, well-adjusted family. Could even be a family where dad goes to work at a job and mom stays home with the kids, because I’ve heard that actually happens.”
I’ll go one further, and could even be a mom that homeschools!? I wonder how much uproar there would be for a movie featuring a well-adjusted family that homeschools, the homeschooling was not central to the plot and the kids were “sociable”? Obviously science fiction
.
To keep it current the family can be Christian but not “fundies” (in-your-face evangelists), and the mom could also be governor of a small state: When Rogues Collide.
The saddest thing I have come across regarding the whole Mayan-calendar-end-of-the-world-thing was the tone in my Guatemalan-born son’s voice when he asked plaintively “Mommy, did My People really do that?” He thought it was some sort of purposeful act on the part of the ancient Mayans and he, personally, was somehow to blame.
Explaining that just because the calendar in our kitchen stops on 12/31/09 doesn’t mean that Mary Englebreit (it’s “her” calendar) knew something the rest of us weren’t aware of, and that I’m pretty sure I’m getting another Mary Englebreit calendar for Christmas to get us through 2010, did help, and made sense to the little Mayan Prince.
But I still grind my teeth just a bit when I hear someone feeding into the hysteria-du-jour.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
I am on my last book of bank checks, am I going to run out of money?
funny how that flick came out when the church calendar went into End Times.
no prosletyzing here, promise, but I’ll be occupied otherwise when things all shatter, thanks.
SPOILER ALERT: if you’re on a jury, skip this.
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bgbear, there’s a court down here with stacks and stacks of blank checks, all ready for you. just cross out “Petters” on the top and write your own name.
Reminds me of the old “dumb blonde” gag: “But I can’t be overdrawn–I still have some checks left!”
Spud, you reminded me of one of the scariest videos ever. It’s a freebie documentary at Netflix called “Jesus Camp”. “Well adjusted family that homeschools?”…maybe not
I’ve always wanted to write a Sitcom about a family that homeschools, wackily. I got this idea the day of the Exploding-chocolate-covered-water-balloons. Don’t ask.
@canajuneh
In that homeschooling, did they give the kids flying lessons but, not landing lessons?
BTW, I watched UP this weekend and like others said in another thread, add it to the watering eyes films.
@bgbear (roger h)
As the Who put it in the 80s classic (wait – nah, its not a classic) Its Hard
“Any kid can fly, but few can land. Its Hard. So very, very hard.”