Nope. Bleatwise, it ain’t happening.
Lest you think I’m thumb-twiddling, I did two videos today, two radio interviews, one interview with some guy named “Steve King,” and then I had to work the transcript into a 32 inch story with a seven-inch sidebar. Apparently he’s written some books. He’s coming to town at the behest of the paper, and I got stuck with talking to him. Jeez: like we have to pimp every struggling author?
My colleague Neil Justin did the interview with the first person in the paper’s “Talking Volumes” series, James Ellroy. I told King I was disappointed to draw him: aw crap, I got the normal guy.
If you’re wondering: he’s a cool guy. Gracious, funny, affable, effortlessly conversational. Spent the evening on the interview piece, which is due in the morning. Friday I have four videos to shoot and a column to write. That said:
There will be 100 Mysteries at the end of the day.
Until I return, a question for the comments: you are given a check for a million dollars, tax free. You have to spend it. You cannot use it on bills, or invest it, or just give it away. What would you do with it?
Me, I’d make a movie. And you?
Oh, forgot add…I’d buy a Bugatti Veyron: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk1t6S737Cs
Yeah. Me too. What he said. Probably starting some kind of hostel/soup kitchen/language school for hapless souls who find themselves in my country without a clue or a peso or a way home. Until they could be helped down the legal path toward green cards, but along the lines of what swschrad describes above. DIRECT, PRIVATE, relief with nary a government fingerprint anywhere.
@bgbear (roger h):
Last Sunday at the sporting goods store near my house asked the guys behind the counter, who stood in front of a huge wall of ammo boxes reaching 20 feet toward the warehouse-style ceiling wearing huge smiles, white polos and permanent-press khakis, about said ammo shortage. They said, “Naw. Not here anyway. Sometimes .38 Special is hard to come by, but 9 mil, .45s, .40s, most of the rifle ammo is no problem.”
This was in Texas. Maybe it’s a regional thing?
I would open a world-class shoe museum.
I would buy a modestly sized, solid gold bust of Barrack Obama.
It’s my loophole through the “non-investment clause.”
Late to the party, but what a fascinating party it is. There’s a lot of quiet vacation cabins, boats, RVs, and travels to beautiful places in here. Consuming the entire amount without investment would actually be kind of tough, wouldn’t it?
I have a similar question that I ask (and I’d love to see James ask this crowd). What if you won a huge lotto? Big enough so you wouldn’t have any worries about money, ever again. Now, it’s two years after you’ve won that. You’ve travelled, you have the RV, the cabin, the remodel, whatever. You wake up and it’s Monday morning. What is your day like?
I would buy some special cars, including a ZR-1 Corvette, an SRT Challeger, a Shelby GT500, 10.000 gals of gas and arrange to store them, maintain them, insure them for 20 years and spend the ballance on Fine Guitars and music equipment.
I wouldn’t be done with my land at every public airport in the Caribbean tour yet.
A million won’t get you a Veyron. I’d buy an Aston Martin DB9 and have plenty of money left over to donate to MD Anderson, ’cause Preptile guilted me into feeling greedy about my make-believe money.
I would wake up the monday after the splurging, my daughter and I would take the day off, go for a drive in each car, eat like royalty and play with our new toys all day. I suspect it would be a very pleasant day
I’d get health insurance that covers more than just doctor visits (30% copay) and generic drugs, and find out what is causing the pain in my right leg and hip that keeps me awake most nights. Health care for me is an extravagance, so I think this counts as much as boats, cabins and Rvs.
Other than that, I’d be content to paint my paintings. A million doesn’t go that far these days anyhow.
@Borderman
maybe Texas is an exception, did the Mexican drug cartels return some of the stuff they were allegedly buying?
I was looking more at the price than availability, that supply demand thing, 50 to 100% increase in last 2 years. However, some stores have purchase limits.
ammo shortage. there is seldom a shortage of anything if you can meet or beat the going price. there is also not much shortage if you stock up and serve your local clientele.
primers have been short since Desert Storm, IIRC. and anybody who wants to stock up at $3-5 per round, for that is the rate at some stores in this area for the internationally-desired sizes, will be carrying quite the inventory.
but some folks had all the gas they wanted at $4 a gallon, and if you have two deer tags and are headed out today after lunch or tonight after work, you’re not going out with six shells, even if the kids eat mac and cheese next week, all week.
I’d use it for piano and acoustic guitar lessons, and maybe voice. Yes, that would take a million dollars because to have a “tin ear” would actually be an improvement in my natural musical ability.
I’d pay off my house. I’m not considering that a bill. Why? Just because it’s what I want damn it! I would also pay someone to fix the roof and prune the trees and buy a new couch and chair. We would get a new car and my daughter would get a nice used one. If there were any left we would take all the trips we’ve been wanting to take (Supai AZ, Deadwood S.D., Gold Country, Brown County Indiana and Maui).
I think it would easily fit into a million. I actually wouldn’t want any more than that. With all that out of the way. I could give to charity in the amounts that I really want to. Sigh.
“I have a similar question that I ask (and I’d love to see James ask this crowd). What if you won a huge lotto? Big enough so you wouldn’t have any worries about money, ever again. Now, it’s two years after you’ve won that. You’ve travelled, you have the RV, the cabin, the remodel, whatever. You wake up and it’s Monday morning. What is your day like?”
Bonnie, I’d try to beat out Andrew Carnegie for philanthropy. I’d try to be like an anti-George Soros and actually try to make the world a better place. That said, I wouldn’t want that to happen to me because I could never again just walk down the street. Could you do this gifting anonymously?
There’s a run-down light industrial place not far from my house. It’s next to a large pond (small lake?), and easily accessible from the highway about a half-mile down the road. I’d buy it, tear it down, and build a state-of-the-art theatre (but everything would appear as though the place was 100 years old, and either lovingly preserved or restored).
I’d hire my best pal, a guy with a solid track record of theatrical management, to run it. And I’d just sit back and enjoy the people of my town seeing great theatre. We would do shows with solid story lines, but no profanity. You’d be able to bring your 8-year-old daughter or your 80-year-old grandmother, and be confident that you wouldn’t be embarrassed by anything you saw onstage.
@GardenStater
no Equus huh?
@Capt. Queeg
so what DSL modem and router issues are you having at home? I could parlay this into two mill if my dart hits the right piece of wall… .
I would spay or neuter all the cats and dogs in Montana and then buy a few shares of a few Congressional Reps and try to make puppy mills illegal.
WHAT?!?!? A Lousy $1Mil?!?!? What A Piker!
I’ve already got $28.5Mil coming from Mr. Brounillious Nbeka, personal attorney for the late Andrew Mzepa of Nigeria. Mr. Mzepa, a widely known African oil entrepreneur, died with no relatives. As soon as that money shows up in my bank account, I’ll Show You All How To Spend $$$!
I might do “Equus,” since it’s a damn fine piece of writing. I’d just make sure there were plenty of “adult content” warnings. Mostly, though, it’d be Arthur Miller, Tennessee Williams, Rodgers and Hammerstein, etc. Oh, and “The Seven-Year Itch,” which is way overdue for a stage revival.
When you think about all the fine entertainment that was done between the 30s and the early 60s, it’s amazing that they did it without gratuitous sex, nudity, or coarse language…
I am a substitute teacher in elementary schools. I see lots of children who need new shoes or clothes. I would love to buy things they need and just leave surprises outside their front door. And I would buy books, lots of books, for everyone and for the classrooms.
@GardenStater
Didn’t that lad from “Harry Potter” do Equus?
Hmmm. Well, don’t let me detain you.
_@_v – if you had a million it’d be worth the equivalent of what $153.000 was worth in 1964…
I’d RESTORE a movie, or several. Making a good movie costs either more or less than a million… but almost never a million.
James, go very carefully with Mr. King. He said of the military that “. . .If you can read, you can walk into a job later on. If you don’t, then you’ve got the Army, Iraq, I don’t know, something like that. It’s not as bright.” When that was compared to what John Kerry had said, King shot back: ” [that]a right-wing blog would impugn my patriotism because I said children should learn to read, and could get better jobs by doing so, is beneath contempt.” No, they didn’t impugn his patriotism, they compared his comments to those of Kerry.
He then dug himself in deeper with this: “. . . I don’t support either the war or educational policies that limit the options of young men and women to any one career — military or otherwise.” And what policies would those be, excatly?
I love the idea that someone is calling themselves “vetinari” on the bleat. I just finished reading “Guards, Guards”, and still have the Patrician’s scorpion pit on my mind.
A million dollars?
I’d pay for my mother and grandmother’s elder care up front, rather than incrementally
Buy a small house in Chapel Hill, NC.
Buy a new car for errands, etc.
The rest goes to my brother, father, and mother.
The End.
Anything anyone else says is bullsh*t.
Some real selfish douchebags on this site.
@Joe Sixpack
And also some real illiterate ones. James said we couldn’t give it away. In other words, what would you buy if you could only spend it on yourself.
I’d give it back. I have everything money could buy, the things I don’t have, money can’t buy.
The worst part about money is not the dollars, but the change.
Money is an illusion, too much is never enough.
I have the cure for the lottery. I buy one ticket and I never check it against the drawing. It sits in my wallet and if I want to fantasize, I look at it and say “maybe it won.” and then the feeling fades and I put it back, and it lasts me a year. Every week I don’t play, I am a winner.
I’d get a motorcycle, and spend the rest on dope.
Well, maybe a car, too.
JWM
I’d fund the nascent project to build a flyable replica Boeing B-17C bomber – the prewar version, all sleek streamlining and mirror-polished aluminum. Since I can’t donate the money I’d keep title to the plane and lease it to a flying museum for some token amount.
Or maybe just produce a carefully budgeted black-and-white movie version of “Joe Ohio”.
I was just trying out the Vetinari name, trying to flush out Pratchett fans. I am almost finished with the series (30+ books) and I wish there were thirty more. I’m reading his kids’ and young adults’ books now. What a great storyteller.
Fix my fixer-upper, which was last renovated circa 1972, judging by the avocado carpet and the matching avocado and harvest gold wallpaper: new windows, doors, kitchen, bathroom, heating system, …
Travel to Cali to research a book I’m planning to write
Donate a significant portion to The Spayed Club, which runs a low-cost spay/neuter program in the 5-county Philadelphia area.
Get lipo and a boob job, then advertise for a hot, hunky guy to be my personal fitness consultant.
I’d do the same things I’m doing now, but on a smaller scale: As a musician and educator, I’d teach 5- or 7-hour days instead of 12- to 140-hour days. Practice more and write more. And I’d open up a jazz club that paid bands better than average, while not having to worry so much about having the cash to keep the lights turned on.
And if I won either the Lotto or our host’s theoretical million, I’d start a massive scholarship fund so that kids could have music lessons, as well as provide needy schools with instruments for deserving kids who can’t afford their own (although the longevity of such things would be compromised by our host’s restrictions on investment; these things would go a lot longer if the principal could stay socked away while the interest fed the program).
Buy some guitars, mostly vintage Les Pauls and Fenders. Also buy some recording equipment – then take some guitar lessons. Buy a house on the Atlantic Ocean and a house on the Pacific Ocean. Buy a fully restored 1972 Chevelle Malibu, just like the one I had when I was 18. Spend whatever is left on high-end bourbon.
Well, assuming I play by the rules and have to spend it on mememememe I’d buy a nice garage with a house attached and a 1971 Coupe deVille, a few station wagons, a 1956 Packard, and the odd Studebaker or two to keep my ‘66 Cadillac company. (Yes, I am aware that “odd Studebaker” is an oxymoron). I’d also point my wife at the kitchen remodeler and tell her to have at it while furnishing the rest of the house and acreage to her taste. My son likes old cars and station wagons so I’d carve out a slot in the garage for him and get a few vee-hickles for him to play with. I’d also slide a few bucks to my folks and my father in law for them to squander.
If I waited until Our Host is sleeping or otherwise occupied and snuck the checkbook out, I’d tell my wife to remodel our current house stem to stern (1200 SF can’t be that expensive, right)? I’d also put aside enough to give my son the education he wants and pay off our mortgage and my student loans.
The rest I’d split 60-40. The forty would go to our local children’s hospital and the Ronald McDonald House across the street from that hospital. The rest would be used to make anonymous COBRA payments, grocery bills, and mortgage payments for layoff victims hitting the end of their unemployment insurance allotments.
Have that guy from ‘Holmes on Homes’ come in and redo my house-metal roof with rainwater cistern, strip the clapboard off, Tyvek the house, insulate and cementboard siding, replace all the windows with triple pane, underfloor heating. I dont really care about diamond studded counter tops or jacuzzis that seat 20, i just want that house tight and workin right.
Hpoulter, you made my day! I found Pratchett after reading Good Omens and blazing through most of Neil Gaiman’s work. It’s good to know I’m not the only fan here!
I’d probably build a war memorial with a big cross on it so the ACLU can sue me.
Oh, and I’d take ukulele lessons.
@Nathan
You can in Michigan. Michigan Education Trust. Bought a contract for my seemingly smart son when he was one (1988). $6900 for four years tuition while we were living in a small apartment over a hot dog restaurant. This Spring he’ll graduate from U of Mich.double major, Econ. and PoliSci. Minor in Czech. Good investment.
As to the Imaginary $1Mil. Upgrade our 970 sq.ft. house and my ‘02 Kia to 1500 sq.ft. with a recording studio and a Plug-in hybrid that can hold a stand-up bass. Get a passport and see Europe, New Zealand and Kashmir. Get Ween, Flaming Lips, Tony Bennett and Captain Beefheart to do house concerts.
That would be a neat idea. One I had would be to take a few run-down former textile mills and factories in my town and convert them into apartments or condos. I wouldn’t be cheap about it, either. I’d make sure they had the best in plumbing fixtures, kitchen appliances, and everything else. I’d make sure they could withstand some serious wear and tear. However, I’d be very strict as to whom I rented out to. I wouldn’t rent to anyone under 30, who would be more prone to skipping out on rent or trying to get me to forgive them rent for a few months because they “can’t make ends meet” or “down on their luck”. They’d have to have a good, steady income. Children and pets would be permitted, but the former would require a higher security deposit than the latter. Children can do more damage than a dog or a couple of cats.
Or, I could take a page from GardenStater’s book and convert it into a theatre. Not just a stage theatre, but make it both a stage theatre and cinema. Some nights there would be stage productions; other nights, and during the day, movies. I would show primarily the classics, preempted by some of the classic shorts, like the old cartoons, 3 Stooges, news reels, and other things. I’d probably do a nightly midnight showing of some cult film, a different one each night. 50% discount to anyone who shows up dressed as a character from said film. It wouldn’t look all modern, either. Like GardenStater’s theatre, it would look like it’s been there for a long time. I would probably make amends with my biological father and ask him to manage it, since he’s an old theatre rat himself.