This was a stem-to-stern, rock ‘em / sock ‘em day. Here’s an example, ripped from the breathless annals of daily life: I’m tweeting something terribly important on my iPhone, standing outside, enjoying a tiny stub of a post-lunch cigar, and no matter how many times I backspace, I cannot delete a period. I figure something is wonky. I shake the phone to undo. This is the modern version of pounding a fist on the top of the TV, except that it’s supposed to work. Nothing. I close the text-entry field. I close the program. I restart the program. I hit the “add tweet” button. The period is still there. Waiting for me.
Unless . . . no, it’s too crazy. But maybe, just maybe, it’s something on the screen.
And so it was! The whole day was like that. Crisis after crisis.
Well, no. As the military vet described war: long stretches of boredom punctuated by terriers. I managed to end up at the animal hospital with my dog, who was not at all happy to be here, and expected needles. How many treats does it take to get a dog’s mind off needles? The world may never know, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say 17.
Back up: after this morning’s news show, for which I performed only TeLeProMpTeR duty, I headed off to shoot a video about the discounts stores in the neighborhood gave you for wearing the “I Voted” sticker. I have this argument every year with people, and always manage to sound like a churlish killjoy, but I don’t like those stickers. They seem a bit smug and self-contented, but that’s just me being smug and self-contented for different reasons. Of course, no one had any discounts this year. Last year Ben & Jerry’s gave you ice cream; this year, nada. The problem with these shoots is getting permission, since most store employees have a natural freak-out when cameras come into the store. No one ever got fired for not letting camera people film something in their store, after all, and given the cinched-shut rectal apertures of many managers, fearful that a camera crew might DESTROY THE BRAND FOREVER, go into lock-down mode. So.
At the video store, I asked for the usual manager. I’ve had fine dealings with her before; she’s a great film fan, and we always have great conversations.
“She was fired,” said the clerk. Oh. Well. Crap. She gave me a sheet with the District Managers’ phone numbers – but I had to give it back before I left, lest it fall into enemy hands. Sigh. Shot the Off to a dry cleaners; I’d cleared it before, but now they were having Second Thoughts. What is this for? What’s this about? Where will it be? What is the velocity of a fully-laden Tuskan Swallow? Again, I understand their trepidation, and it goes against my Nature to foist myself into these situations. But duty, etc. So we did that, ran across the street, and tried to do it at a liquor store. The managers were in a meeting. Could they be interrupted? I know one of them. Say it’s James from around the way.
No: the door was locked.
Locked? What are they doing in there, coordinating a liquor delivery for SPECTRE?
The sub-manager grinned and said “I’m going to make an executive decision here. Because there’s no publicity like free publicity.” Bless you. We did a bit, and I bought a bottle. Next: the coffee shop. No manager.
Said the clerk, a good guy, with very large holes in his ears: we’re like all kind of managers.
Perfect. How about it? Sure. So we shot another sequence. Then I got Natalie from the bus stop, and had an idea: see if I can get a discount at the vet for the dog, by putting an “I Voted” sticker on Jasper. Loaded the dog and child into the car, returned to the neighborhood where we were shooting, and dealt with a very unsure and nervous canine. This is the Place of Poking, after all, the house that smells like fellow-dog-fear. Usually he gets out of the car, but this time he planted. I had to stand on the street with my arse hanging into traffic, in the rain, pushing him out while daughter pulled the leash.
This is my job, and I do it well.
Once inside we plied him with enough treats to take his mind off the sticking he wasn’t going to get. I even ate one. Not bad. If you marketed them as whole-grain multivitamins with a saucy beef top-note and sold them at hunting goods stores, you could make a million. Bond with your dog. Eat the same treat.
Done.
HERE IS THE VIDEO. Click HERE for all the doggy joy.
Home. Out again. Drop off kid at choir. Home. Twenty-seven minutes of concentrated nap – it was so dense I was in REM within 5 seconds of opening the box of pre-nap happy glide-path thoughts – then up for the second shift. Wrote three pieces for various places tonight; took a break and tweaked the site while I listened to a “Gunsmoke.” Matt Dillon had to kill a man, but he needed killing. Shot a woman in the face. He did not, however, kill the man’s son, who rode into town looking for vengeance. Also, Chester said “My goodness, Mister Dillon” and Doc was cynical. It amazes me that they got seven seasons of radio out of the most elemental Western concepts in the book, and each show is different.
So that’s it: stem to stern. More of the same tomorrow, then an interview with some author named “Steve King” – we have half an hour, and Lord knows what we’ll talk about. It will all culminate in a glorious Friday, as they always do.
For now: The Day of the Hump. Out of Context Ad Challenge en route around 10:30 or so. See you soon.
Good punchline – “I’m going to Chicago”. Two links to the video, too. Musta wanted to make extra sure we saw it.
Did you ever get your coffee?
From a Jasper fan from way back, thanks for including him in this video.
My dog is weird in that he actually eagerly goes into the vet’s office. It’s only when he’s finally on the table that he gets nervous. But then again he’s on a special diet so sometimes I take him just to go get a twenty pound bag of kibble.
As long as that King guy isn’t running for office, it should be interesting (and if he offers you a winter break with your family watching a big old house he has up in the mountains, say no).
At the station where I work, the person on TeLeProMpTeR duty is called the promoptologist. Lends an air of class to the thing.
er, make that promptologist.
Vote early, vote often!
Thanks for including Jasper – he is looking very well.
Please put up a link to the King interview when you have it. I am a fan of both of you as writers and look forward to hearing you converse!
Love the sticker on Jasper’s head. Poor baby, being forced into movies like that. Exploitation at its worst..(’Can’t get rid of that extra period…)
Well in Chicago, Jasper could have voted.
I got rid of the permanent periods on my screen (but all that white-out is driving me crazy)
Twice.
What is the velocity of a fully-laden Tuskan Swallow?
I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t hear some Monty Python reference. But… its Air Speed velocity. African or European varieties will suffice, and either laden or unladen will do.
Now if only an occasion ever presented itself where I could throw in ‘moistened bint’ I’d experience Python Nirvana. Rapture.
Note to businesses from inquiring media: If you are innocent, you have nothing to fear.
@Jon
Nonsense. Jasper isn’t dead.
Bob
That video was a hoot, James. Nice work and it was nice to see Jasper. Looking forward to your interview with Stephen King.
But why a “Tuskan” swallow? The only bell that rings for me is “Tusken” raiders, from Tatooine (”They ride single file to hide their numbers”).
The Host is free-associating again.
OT, looks like the Diner archives are repaired. I didn’t find any busted links. Yay.
Pros and Cons to everything. I’ve worn them with the thought that people might think, “hey that idiot voted, maybe I should too”. I’ve also not liked them because you think people will say, “Oh, mister high and mighty voter you, I bet you voted for change”. Either way you can’t win, narcissism is after you, because really, nobody thinks about you – that’s what I try to tell my son when he doesn’t like his haircut.
James is much nkinder looking than Mike Wallace, what’s to fear?
@Jon
Curious if Jasper ever received a pre-approved credit card offer.
Got my “I Voted” sticker, all for picking three of the six unknowns for the board of trustees at my local community college. Not even a millage this year.
I started to wonder if a killjoy could be perceived as anything but “churlish” (pleasant? noncondescending?) but me ‘ead started to ‘urt.
Where I vote they hand out the “I Voted” stickers as you exit the polling place, from the guy who watches the ballot box. Kids love ‘em! I did not get one (sticker, not kid!) yesterday as I live a half mile outside of the city limits, so no voting for me.
Woof indeed.
Did anyone ever point out that SPCA is an acronymn?
If Jasper felt in need of sprinkling the upholsterey of your Frankenmobile
it would serve you right.
Incontinence would be inconsequential in the greater scheme of things.
It would also Karmalize your sadistic misbehaviour.
My pup wasn’t pleased to find himself parked at the vet once,and when I went inside
to borrow a leash ,he hid in another car.
Hating it as he did,I only took him when I had to.
Interesting how in the Age of ACORN nobody bats an eye at the idea of a dog voting–hell, they even offer material rewards for it.
Re: doggie treats – one should ask a vet what becomes of all the dead doggies and kitties in the freezer out back. Was that a saucy “beef” top-note? Or was it essence of Fido with a hint of PweciousKitty? Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!
“long stretches of boredom punctuated by terriers.”
James, you write so damned well. Never stop.
I am also of the small number who will admit to have tasted their doggy’s treats, just for the hell of it. Seriously crunchy, but not bad. I draw the line at pig ears, though.
“long stretches of boredom punctuated by terriers” is good. I could see it working in a Burns and Allen sketch with Gracie thinking that’s what she heard or that’s the saying….
This afternoon, the link was about voting (but videos are blocked at work so I couldn’t see it). Now that I am home, I want to see Jasper in all his doggy glory, but the link goes to Prep Football?
I hate the I Voted sticker, but not because it’s smug. I hate them because I have no interest in reminding people that would not otherwise know there was an election in which to vote, to vote. Less voter turnout, please. That’s my motto.
Speaking of being “punctuated(or, rather, punctured) by terriers”, our schnauzer
when I was a kid hated when we’d have one of her treats; they used to make these miniature crunchy, slightly sweet donuts in jewel-tone colors that we kinda liked & Horlick’s Malt tablets(’course, she never noticed that we _didn’t_ get peeved when she’d get some of Mom’s chop suey, spaghetti, et al.).
My experience with management tells me the real reason chain/franchise places don’t want their stores/staff on film is they fully expect you to inadvertently document some brain-dead action or utterance by those employees(or the less-than-perfect condition of the place). Given our experiences w/the service industry, you gotta admit the fear is justified.
So the link appears only to be good until they post a new video. Since I’m behind and only slowly catching up I had to hunt it down…
http://www.startribune.com/video/?vid=69007167&c=y&page=5&f=n&elr=KArks5PhDcU9PhDcU9PhDcU5PhDco8P77jyPhU
I suppose I should look into how that do that ‘tinyurl’ thing but then I’ve seen a lot of those that don’t link to nuttin…