You'd have to eat 1,386 pounds of lettuce to get the iodine in three Kelpamalt tablets! And remember, only Kelapmalt is immunized. Guaranteed not to injure teeth.

Wha? Why'd they toss that in? Perhaps to take your attention away from the alarming claim that the pills will add five pounds to your body in seven days. The only possible explanation would be this: dry kelp expands and absorbs all moisture in your body, forcing you to drink gallons of water until your stomach consists entirely of a thick dense slimy bolus of reconstituted seaweed, and you're praying Jimmy Braddock shows up your door and punches you so hard in the gut you cough it up. And then you'd invite him in for a beer and a bologna sandwich. Because he's Jimmy Braddock. No hard feelings? he'd say. No hard feelings. It's the Depression. A man does what a man needs to do to put bread on the table.

And if that means putting kelp on someone else's, so be it.